I recently received a Facebook message from a meidel in Los Angeles who asked me to write about the topic of Shomer Negiah. Shomer negiah, the concept in Jewish law that restricts physical contact with a member of the opposite gender, is a frequently discussed topic amongst shidduch daters. However, despite all the discussion that revolves around being shomer, there is really nothing to debate on the subject. The bottom line is it’s a halacha (Sources: Bible: Leviticus 18:6 , Babylonian Talmud: Sabbath 13a , Mishneh Torah: Kedushah (Holiness), Issurei Biah (forbidden sexual relations), 21:1-7, Shulchan Aruch: Even HaEzer 20-21). One can choose to either abide by this halacha or not. That’s the end of discussion. However, the interesting thing about Shomer Negiah compared to other areas of halacha, is the level of discipline that is required in order to not transgress this particular law. While eating traif and violating the Sabbath are both big time aveyras, I can’t honestly say that eating a cheese burger or igniting a fire on the Sabbath have the same appeal for the large majority of us, as does physical contact with the opposite gender. I think my friend, Mike, described this challenge best when he quoted his Rebbe from Netiv Aryeh, as saying “Oz anybody who says they are Shomer Negiah after dating someone for 30 days is either a liar or gay!” While I may not agree with every word of that statement or other things that this Rav has to say, I think this statement has some validity to it. For any straight bachur or meidel who interacts with the opposite gender on a regular basis, abiding by this halacha can be very challenging. Over the years I have noticed that there are 5 general approaches in the Modern Orthodox community when it comes to the observance of the laws of Shomer Negiah: The Ignorant Approach, the Indifferent Approach, the Shtark Approach, the Humanistic Approach, and the Shomer Negiah by Default Approach.

Thanksgiving, as the name implies, is a time to give thanks and recognition to those people and things that one is thankful for. So as Thanksgiving weekend comes to an end, it is only natural that I sit in my room reflecting on the many things in life that I am personally thankful for. I am thankful for my friends and family who support me through all of life’s challenges. I am thankful to live in a country that allows me to practice my religious beliefs openly and freely. And I am thankful to my super, Ghelfis, who took the time out of his busy schedule last week to stop toilet water from dripping into my bedroom from the ceiling. One individual whose work I have admired consistently throughout the years, and would like to thank specifically is Mark Zuckerberg, the Founder and CEO of Facebook. Since April 17th 2005*, when Yeshiva University was finally zoche to received this ground breaking tool, anytime I sign on to Facebook (multiple times a day) I feel a sense of hakarat hatov to the man who changed social networking forever. Facebook has become an invaluable resource for networking, keeping in touch with friends, and dating. When the Orthodox Jewish community caught wind of this brilliant invention, it also changed the shidduch dating world as we know it. Facebook instantly allows one to find pictures of people, find out someone’s interests, determine someone’s chevra, and gives the stalker; oops I meant the searcher, the ability to contact anyone instantly. With such a powerful tool at the finger tips of tons of Orthodox bachrim and meidluch, you would expect the shidduch “crisis” to fix itself. However, despite all the good that has come from Facebook, it has also caused a new subculture of socializing, especially within Orthodox singles community. Although Facebook has every tool on the planet for stalking people, Mr. Zuckerberg, in his infinite wisdom, neglected to put a section on his site that discusses “Facebook Etiquette.” Facebook has many components and if I wanted to discuss every feature and its social ramifications, I will be here for weeks. However, I’d like to take the opportunity to breakdown just several common practices relating to Facebook and how they impact the shidduch scene. Mark can thank me for my work later…

Over the past few weeks I’ve had the opportunity to reflect back on the holiday of Simchat Torah and I’ve come to the conclusion that the Chag is important for two reasons: 1) it’s the celebration of the completion of the Torah and 2) it’s the kickoff event for a brand new dating season! Summer vacation is over, the Chagim have finally come to an end, and for singles it means that it is finally time to hop back on the Shidduch Dating train, and what better way to welcome in a new Shidduch Dating season than by having a holiday where tons of single guys and girls come to shul looking for a mate? Most people tend to focus on the first aspect of the holiday, however, I believe that for the majority of singles, from elementary school and beyond, Simchat Torah is about meeting people of the opposite gender and the fact that we have just completed The Five Books of Moses is really just a side point. Regardless of your level of religious observance or regularity of synagogue attendance, EVERYBODY who is single makes an appearance in shul on Simchat Torah. It is the prime time for bashert hunting, but the problem is that many people don’t come out with any dates. After celebrating Simchat Torah 24x in cities and universities that span the country, I have finally determined the appropriate steps that a modern orthodox yid must take in order to have a successful holiday. The key is to have a strategy and a game plan!

There are some things in life that just never seem to get any easier for me. I still have a hard time facing my parents when I get less than a B on an exam, just thinking about being chazzan in front of a large group of people makes my stomach turn, and I find it nearly impossible to restrain myself from discussing Tachlis for any extended period of time. However, the one thing that takes the cake in terms of being exceedingly difficult for me is nishting someone (Note: Nishting is the act of ending a potential relationship with someone after 5 or less dates.*). No matter how many times I’ve done the act of nishting, it still always manages to tear me up inside. I don’t know if it makes me less manly or more of a ba’al chesed, but it’s not a very pleasant feeling. Over the past week or so, I’ve been approached by many bachrim and meidels who have the same feelings about nishting as I do. People have asked me for tips and advice on this very sensitive issue. Thankfully, after about 2 years in the shidduch dating business, I’ve come up with a few rules that apply to both guys and girls regarding the ever so dreaded “Nisht.”