Several weeks ago I was walking with a few friends to the subway when we ran into two fine meidels. I was good friends with one meidel, and the other one was a super cutie that I’ve never met before. After a brief exchange of pleasantries we were on our way. The following day I followed up with my friend and asked her to set me up with the super cutie. She responded by saying “No, I don’t see it! You eat at coed meals on the Upper West Side on Shabbos…she would never date you!” As absurd as this excuse may sound, I’m sure that everyone reading this article can identify with a similar experience. At some point in our dating lives we have all asked someone, who we thought was our friend, to set us up, and they responded by saying “I don’t see it…” followed by several nonsensical excuses as to why they won’t mention your interest to their friend. It’s almost ironic that one of the biggest obstacles in our search for our bashert is our friends! Our single friends and our married friends both play their own special part in making it even more difficult for us singles to find our one true love!

Single Friends: Friends have a tendency to act as screeners when it comes to the shidduch scene. Maybe it’s to protect us, or maybe it’s because they think they can predict the future and have the ability to determine who we will marry. Do me a favor, as much as I appreciate my friends looking out for me in this regard…STOP IT! Imagine if the same thing happened in regards to another area of your life! Let’s take your career for example: Companies would call your friend expressing interest for a one on one interview because they admire your strong credentials; meanwhile your friend is telling all these firms that she “doesn’t see it” without even consulting you! This is my life, this is my career, and this should be my decision! If I want your input I will ask for it! The same thing goes for the shidduch scene. Even if I might not be interested in someone, I still like to hear what’s out there! Let ME determine if this individual is a good match for ME! Until you are told otherwise, you are NOT my life coach or my shidduch advisor! You are a messenger! Receive the message and deliver it to me! Nothing more!

Married Friends: Single friends tend to serve more of a defensive position in preventing you from finding your bashert by not relaying a certain individual’s interest in you. Married friends, on the other hand, serve essentially as a very poor offense! The husband knows buchrim and the wife knows meidels, therefore they are in perfect position to set you up, but they don’t! I often find that once a couple is married or seriously dating, they in effect remove themselves from the shidduch scene completely. When I recently asked a married friend of mine to set me up he said “I don’t set people up. I leave it to the professional shaddchans!” Are you kidding me? You don’t set people up? It’s your RESPONSIBILITY to set people up! Again, let’s try to compare that way of thinking to another area of life: You’re driving along the highway and all of a sudden you spot your married friends in an accident on the side of the road. You pull over and say “Hey, what’s going on here?” They respond: “We got into a bit of a fender bender. Do you mind calling a tow truck and the police…my cell died.” You respond “Sorry, bro! I don’t dabble in road side assistance. It’s just not my thing. Good luck with that!” Then you drive away! What kind of nonsense is this? You’re in the position to help out friends and you just tell them, that you don’t get involved in that type of activity (i.e. helping people) and then you leave! We should all remember that with each stage of life we are ALL presented with different unique challenges and responsibilities. At times life can get hectic and confusing; however, this does not absolve us from our basic responsibilities as a friend!

Bing Crosby once said about his friend Bob Hope: “There is nothing in the world I wouldn’t do for (Bob) Hope, and there is nothing he wouldn’t do for me … We spend our lives doing nothing for each other.” It’s easy for someone to say that they’re your friend, but to actually step up and help someone out takes time and effort, which really distinguishes your friends from people who just have that title. I’ve heard EVERY excuse in the book as to why a friend won’t relay my interest to a particular meidel. “She is too religious for you,” “She wears pants”, “She isn’t dating yet”, “She wants to make Aliyah,” “She sees movies,” “She doesn’t see movies,” “She might see movies,” She only sees PG 13 movies,” “She doesn’t come from a haimish family,” “You stack the plates at the Shabbos table,” yada yada yada! I’ve also heard every excuse from married couples as to why they don’t set people up. Either because they “had a bad experience once,” “don’t do shaddchan work,” or they just blow you off with the very popular “Oh, I’ll definitely keep my eyes open for you” (Translation: Stop bothering me. Helping a friend is not on the top of my to-do list.). Friends should serve as messengers and facilitators when it comes to the shidduch scene, not as screeners or obstacles standing in our way. If we all remain more cognizant of our actions by keeping our friend’s best interest at heart, than we will all be zoche to build a bayis ne’eman biyisroel in the near term, which will, i’yh, bring Mashiach in the not to distant future…AMEN!