The Nisht!

There are some things in life that just never seem to get any easier for me. I still have a hard time facing my parents when I get less than a B on an exam, just thinking about being chazzan in front of a large group of people makes my stomach turn, and I find it nearly impossible to restrain myself from discussing Tachlis for any extended period of time. However, the one thing that takes the cake in terms of being exceedingly difficult for me is nishting someone (Note: Nishting is the act of ending a potential relationship with someone after 5 or less dates.*). No matter how many times I’ve done the act of nishting, it still always manages to tear me up inside. I don’t know if it makes me less manly or more of a ba’al chesed, but it’s not a very pleasant feeling. Over the past week or so, I’ve been approached by many bachrim and meidels who have the same feelings about nishting as I do. People have asked me for tips and advice on this very sensitive issue. Thankfully, after about 2 years in the shidduch dating business, I’ve come up with a few rules that apply to both guys and girls regarding the ever so dreaded “Nisht.”

There are some things in life that just never seem to get any easier for me. I still have a hard time facing my parents when I get less than a B on an exam, just thinking about being chazzan in front of a large group of people makes my stomach turn, and I find it nearly impossible to restrain myself from discussing Tachlis for any extended period of time. However, the one thing that takes the cake in terms of being exceedingly difficult for me is nishting someone (Note: Nishting is the act of ending a potential relationship with someone after 5 or less dates.*). No matter how many times I’ve done the act of nishting, it still always manages to tear me up inside. I don’t know if it makes me less manly or more of a ba’al chesed, but it’s not a very pleasant feeling. Over the past week or so, I’ve been approached by many bachrim and meidels who have the same feelings about nishting as I do. People have asked me for tips and advice on this very sensitive issue. Thankfully, after about 2 years in the shidduch dating business, I’ve come up with a few rules that apply to both guys and girls regarding the ever so dreaded “Nisht.”

What NOT to do:

DO NOT waste someone’s time by having a long phone conversation when your intention is to nisht them! As much as I enjoy talking to someone who I have absolutely no future with, you need to keep the schmoozing to a minimum if you plan on ending the relationship. I remember calling a meidel several months ago about going on a 4th date. After a 20 minute discussion I popped the shyla “So would you like to get together sometime this week?” To which she responded: “Well actually, I’ve been thinking about it and I don’t think this is a shayich match, but I think you’re a great guy!” FABULOUS! You think I’m a great guy! If you thought I was such a great guy than you would give me the past 20 minutes of my life back! Listen, as much as I enjoy discussing the other person’s Shabbos plans, career goals, and the ever changing weather patterns in New York City, if you know you are going to nisht me from the onset, than having such a drawn out conversation is really unnecessary. Naturally, it’s very important to be polite when speaking to somebody, but, as I learned early on in the dating game, if you don’t intend to go out again, than say so within the first minute of the conversation. It’s not being rude, it’s called being considerate!

DO NOT keep going out with someone if you are not into them! I heard that some meidels keep going out with a guy because they either have nothing else going on or they could use a free dinner (I did not make this up). I’m no poseik, but going out with someone just to get a free meal might be considered theft. “Ahhh, but it’s for shidduch reasons! It’s muttur!” Sure it is! Once you know you aren’t into someone anymore then you should end it. Dating just for the sake of dating is a waste of everybody’s time and energy. Granted, sometimes it can take quite a few dates to determine if two people are a good match, and I strongly believe you should give someone another chance as long as you see some potential. However, once you know that the relationship is not going anywhere, speak up and let the other party know how you feel! There is no sense in delaying the inevitable.

DO NOT let things fizzle out without contacting anybody! Many bachrim have the tendency to go out with someone, and if it’s a bad date they literally do nothing. At the beginning of my shidduch dating career I also made this grave error. If you don’t think a relationship is going anywhere, you need to let someone know. Whether it’s the shaddchan or the person you dated, somebody needs to be contacted so neither party will be left in a state of limbo. People say you need to pick up the phone and call. I disagree. If you met the person once (i.e. “A one and done”) you don’t OWE them anything other then the courtesy to contact them or someone involved in the shidduch, to let them know that you are no longer interested in pursuing this relationship any further. (Although I wouldn’t recommend this method, I do think texting is muttur on a Bidee Eved level).

DO NOT ask the nishter why you are being nishted! Sometimes I am really dumbfounded why a certain meidel has nishted me. I’m sure this happens at some point to everybody. Meidels have told me that they called to nisht a bachur and he responded “Well, I’m not really sure why you are ending this. Can you elaborate?” NO SHE DOESN’T HAVE TO ELABORATE! You have been nishted! You have been axed! You have been voted off the Island! It’s over! This isn’t a debate! You aren’t entitled to a rebuttal! You can contact the shaddchan or a friend afterwards and find out the reason, but once this short relationship (5 dates and under) has been terminated, you are not entitled to any explanations. Many times a meidel or bachur will offer an explanation or suggestions that will help critique the other party’s dating style or perhaps help them refine what they are looking for in a shidduch. If this advice isn’t offered to you outright, then just accept the nisht and move on to the next highly eligible single meidel/bachur in your pipeline.

What TO DO:

DO keep the conversation short and sweet! As mentioned earlier, people have the tendency to keep the conversation going on forever, and feel it is necessary for a build up until you finally nisht a person. This is a big mistake and a huge waste of time. Just end it and move on! Recently, I did a role play with a meidel who was looking to nisht a bachur after 4 dates. This is how it went down and how I recommend people who have no shaddchan involved handle the nishting conversation:

RING RING

Person being nishted: Hello?

Person doing the nishting: Hi (insert name here). How are you doing?**

Nishted: I’m doing well. How about yourself?

Nishter: I’m good. (insert name), I’ve been doing some thinking and although I had a very nice time with you, and can tell that you are obviously a great bachur/meidel, I don’t see this relationship going any further then just being friends, but thanks a lot for taking me out/allowing me to take you out!***

[TWO POSSIBLE SCENARIOS]

SCENARIO #1:

Nishted: Okay, have a great night/day and best of luck!

Nishter: Thanks! You too! (Maybe offer to set the individual up if you really respected them, but this is never necessary.)

SCENARIO #2

Nishted: Umm, can you explain to me why?

Nishter: [You can choose to be polite] you’re a great guy/gal, but I just didn’t feel any chemistry, but I wish you the best of luck! [Or you can be brutally honest] Well, I didn’t find you remotely attractive, you have an attitude problem, your lazy, you’re a huge phony, you have no conversation skills at all, you’re not driven, and you are not exactly the sharpest tool in the shed! Oh, and I never went to HASC so I didn’t appreciate you speaking about it for ¾ of our date! See ya!

DIAL TONE!

If this was a blind date the entire dialogue should not last more then 90 seconds unless you are trying to set the other person up. If you have a prior relationship with this person (i.e. are friends or she is your bosses daughter) then, naturally, the conversation will be a bit longer.

Bo Bennett, a motivational speaker once said “A rejection is nothing more than a necessary step in the pursuit of success.” This is true with business, life, and shidduch dating. If you allow me to rephrase this quote to make it slightly more relevant to our topic it should say: “A nisht is nothing more than a necessary step in the pursuit of your bashert.” As anyone can tell you, nishting is a very important part of the shidduch dating process and almost everyone will get nishted or do a nishting at some point during their dating career. It is imperative that you know how to end a relationship efficiently and effectively. It is also very important to be honest by giving the shaddchanim an idea of what you are looking for in a shidduch. However, one thing that shidduch daters MUST be cautious of is being labeled as an “extreme nishter.” An “extreme nishter” is someone who nishts virtually everyone that is suggested to them before they even go out or after only one date. Earning this title amongst the shidduch dating community is bad for several reasons: 1) People will stop trying to set you up, 2) You think way too highly of yourself and are in need of some serious introspection, 3) You are caught up on a specific individual you’ve dated or liked in the past and measure everyone up to him/her. Sometimes it is necessary to reject a string of meidels or bachrim from a particular shaddchan who continues to suggest people that are TOTALLY off the mark. However, more often then not, when we get into a funk where we are doing a lot of rejecting, then maybe we are the ones that are the problem. So often I hear people say to me “I am very picky”, or “I know exactly what I am looking for” or “(The name of your ex) was much different than her/him, and that’s what I am looking for.” These are very dangerous lines to be saying. It is reminiscent of a video that I saw on YouTube recently, that showed a bunch of singles in their mid to late 20s that live on the Upper West Side who used these exact lines as to why they are not married yet. It isn’t a tragedy to live on the Upper West Side or to not be married by your late 20s, but when you are saying the aforementioned lines as REASONS for why you are not married, than it might be a good time to take a look in the mirror and evaluate yourself and what you have to offer. Despite what your parents may have told you when you were growing up, you are really not that special! Every Yitzy, Moishe, Rivky and Leah brings the same qualities to the table that you do! If you are still comparing every potential date to your ex, then I can promise you this: You will never find anyone like him/her, because no two people are exactly the same. Everybody is different. You are chasing a figment of your imagination, not searching for a partner to spend the rest of you life with.

As Rosh Hashana rapidly approaches and we pray to Hashem for health, parnasa, happiness, and peace for all of Klal Yisroel, it is also of utmost importance to ask for chizzuk and seichel to succeed in this shidduch dating game. We must ask for the chizzuk to make the call and nisht a relationship that isn’t going anywhere and we must pray that we have the seichel to be true to ourselves with what we can expect from a shidduch.

May this year bring you health, happiness, mazal and your bashert! Amen!

Notes:

*Yes, this is my definition.

** Do NOT ask how your day was, that will lead to a long unnecessary dialogue about the person day, which you are NOT interested in.

***If the date went very poorly and the person lacked basic social skills and wasn’t nice or sincere, you may want to use harsher phraseology such as “Thanks for taking me out, but I don’t see this going anywhere” or “I would appreciate it if you didn’t call or speak to me ever again” or “If you ever make an effort to contact me again and I’m calling the police” depending on how bad the date went.

The Setup

by yubuchur on August 24th, 2009

2 comments

I am very appreciative when someone contacts me to set me up with an eligible meidel. Being someone who wasn’t fortunate enough to find his bashert on his first date or in elementary school, I am very grateful when someone takes the time to think of me in this regard. However, sometimes you get those suggestions that are so out of whack, and so not practical that it makes you wonder “Is this person for real?” Just the other day I got one of these off the wall suggestion and it got me thinking that there are really 4 basic categories of compatibility that shaddchanim should keep in mind before setting up two people: 1) Geographic location, 2) Physical compatibility, 3) Age range, and 4) Religious level.

I am very appreciative when someone contacts me to set me up with an eligible meidel. As someone who wasn’t fortunate enough to find his bashert on his first date or in elementary school, I am very grateful when someone takes the time to think of me in this regard. However, sometimes you get those suggestions that are so out of whack, and so not practical that it makes you wonder “Is this person for real?” Just the other day I got one of these off the wall suggestion and it got me thinking that there are really 4 basic categories of compatibility that shaddchanim should keep in mind before setting up two people: 1) Geographic location, 2) Physical compatibility, 3) Age range, and 4) Religious level.

Geographic location: I was called a couple months ago by a friend. She went on and on describing how wonderful a particular meidel is. She mentioned several times how this girl might be the one and she had a really good feeling about it (Note: She never actually met this girl). After her pitch I said:

Me: “Sounds great! Where is she from?”
Shaddchan: “She’s from Montreal.”
Me: “Okay, I like Canadians! Where does she live now?
Shaddchan: “Oh she still lives in Montreal. She works there.
Me: “Umm, does she have a trip planned to NY in the near term?”
Shaddchan: “No. She might come in at some point, but right now she is in Montreal.”

Listen, as much as I believe that my bashert can be anywhere in the world and hakadosh baruchoo will ultimately bring us together, trying to set 2 people up that live over 600 miles away from each other is a bit silly! If I met a girl from the other side of the globe and we really had a strong connection we will make things work out. But to think of a setup where two people live so far away from each other and neither individual plans on relocating in the near future is just ridiculous. This is not like driving from NJ to Long Island for a date where a bachur needs to battle rush hour traffic or maybe driving an hour and half from NYC to Philadelphia. It’s challenging enough to build a relationship with someone you just met, but having 600 miles separating two individuals put the odds very much against you in terms of this relationship actually working out!

Physically Compatible: Oh no….I’m bringing up looks! I’m obviously shallow and disgusting and don’t care about anything else. Incorrect! I am not shallow, I am not disgusting, and I’ll be the first to admit that physical attractiveness is just one of MANY components one should look for when searching for a suitable mate. Nevertheless, as much as people want to deny it, looks do matter and putting no thought into looks when setting people up is a disaster waiting to happen! As much as we would like to believe that a beautiful neshama can make up for all physical short comings, this is simply not the way the world works.

The other day a meidel I’m friends with contacted me to ask me about a specific guy that her mother’s friend wanted to set her up with. The meidel is tall, thin, and athletic and has a very active lifestyle. The bachur that she mentioned was the complete opposite. He was about 5 inches shorter then her, pleasantly plump (understatement), and the only time he physically exerted himself was when he went to the fridge get more salsa for his nachos! I truly believe that beauty is in the eye of the beholder and I told my friend what a quality bachur he was (which he is), but when she asked how he looked I said I’ll send you a few pictures and let you decide for yourself. After she saw the pictures, she wasn’t so much offended as she was confused. She said “My mother’s friend knows me quite well. She knows that I workout regularly and I’m active. Why would she set me up with someone who is the total opposite?”

After getting to know a specific individual you might begin to look past their physical appearance and realize that qualities such as personality and kindness will last much longer then their exterior. At the same time, such different physical appearance might also hint at different lifestyle issues and hobbies that shaddchanim should keep in mind before setting up two people just because they both have beautiful neshamas!

Age Range: When I was in elementary school and high school I used to be too cool to hang out with the younger grades, and not cool enough to hang out with the older kids. As time went by these separations between age groups blurred and I often find myself hanging out or dating people that are within 3 or 4 years of my age. Within this age range I find that you still have many things in common. You grew up with the same TV shows, experiencing the same world events, etc. However, once you step out of a certain age bracket you begin to lose a lot of the commonalities that help people build relationships.

Several months ago my friend calls me with a “great” suggestion.

Shaddchan: “I got a girl for you!”
Me: “Fabulous, tell me about her!”
Shaddchan: “Well she thinks you’re very funny, and she is very nice (Note: Whenever someone describes a potential date as being “very nice” you know there is trouble).
Me: “Okay. Can you tell me anything more descriptive?”
Shaddchan: “Well she is 34 years old….”
Me: “I’m 24…”
Shaddchan: “Well I thought it was a good idea anyway…”

The shaddchan did NOT think it was a “good idea!” He thought that there was the possibility that I’d say yes so it was worth asking me. If I met a meidel who had ten years on me and we hit it off then wonderful! But to suggest a random girl that is a decade older then me and think it’s a good idea is just foolish! It’s foolish because she won’t have nearly as much in common with me as someone her own age and we are at different stages of life. I am starting my career, she is well into it. She grew up with Cheers and MASH, and I grew up with 3rd Rock from the Sun and Dawson’s Creek! Her friends are discussing how crazy their children’s yeshiva bills are, and me and my friends are discussing who is dating who. As much as I believe that relationships such as Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore are possible, they are usually not the best setup suggestions. Shaddchans should put in an effort to set people up who were born within the same decade before they even start considering other factors!

Religious Level: Religious observance tends to fluctuate over time. Many people start out at a certain level after Israel and then begin to slide as time goes on. Some people remain chareidi and will continue to build on their chareidiness. However, the overwhelming majority fall somewhere in the middle. I am a firm believer that people should try to be flexible (to an extent) on these issues, because there will never be anyone that is exactly 100% like us. At the same time, it is also VERY important to respect where people stand hashkafically and not to force a shidduch on your friend just because you “have a good feeling” about it. I used to try to setup my uber shtark friends with girls that associated with boys (i.e. go to coed meals with them on shabbos). They refused to date them and I thought it was silly. Then I realized that I don’t like when people suggest meidels to me that go clubbing, smooching, and grinding during their free time and I also can’t stand when friends want me to date meidels who’s only interest consist of going to shiurim and discussing their various chesed projects. If people are on completely different levels religiously, then setting these two people up is really just a disaster waiting to happen!

Although shidduch daters get a lot of heat for not being “open minded” enough in their pursuit for their bashert, I also believe that a fair amount of blame can be placed on the shoulders of shaddchanim who, at times, refuse to use even a small amount of seichel when trying to make a setup! It’s not good enough that you know of a guy and girl who are both single! There are a myriad of other variables that must be factored in! These 4 categories are a good place to begin to look in order to determine if two people would make sense together.

One step that shidduch daters MUST take after a bad setup or silly suggestion is being blunt and honest with the shaddchan as to why a particular individual is not for them. Some people feel bad about speaking negatively about a person that they really don’t know, but the fact of the matter is it needs to be done! If you aren’t going to step up and let people know what you want then you will just continue to get the same type of silly suggestions that you have always been receiving. If the shaddchan responds to your critique of her suggestion angrily and calls you “not flexible”, “shallow”, or “not realistic” then you should stop doing business with this shaddchan immediately because they are clearly set in their ways and are just wasting your time!

The Shidduch Game

by yubuchur on July 19th, 2009

2 comments

“Perseverance!” I feel that word sums up the approach that successful people take towards life. It’s the ability to keep pushing forward, despite the obstacles in your way, until you finally succeed. I have adopted this attitude to my own life and have often been lucky/fortunate enough to experience success. Whether it’s in the job market, academics, or athletics, it has always been my philosophy that if I work hard enough I WILL succeed. The one area that my perseverance has not only failed, but has actually backfired is in the world of shidduchim! I find the shidduch game to be different from other parts of life. It seems like the same rules that bring success in virtually every other area, do not apply in the effort of trying to attract a mate.

“Perseverance!” I feel that word sums up the approach that successful people take towards life. It’s the ability to keep pushing forward, despite the obstacles in your way, until you finally succeed. I have adopted this attitude to my own life and have often been lucky/fortunate enough to experience success. Whether it’s in the job market, academics, or athletics, it has always been my philosophy that if I work hard enough I WILL succeed. The one area that my perseverance has not only failed, but has actually backfired is in the world of shidduchim! I find the shidduch game to be different from other parts of life. It seems like the same rules that bring success in virtually every other area, do not apply in the effort of trying to attract a mate.

A story that illustrates this point took place about about a year ago. There was a particular meidel that I had been trying to court for many months. I asked her out once and after she rejected me the first time I always made sure to stay in touch with her because I still liked her. I wasn’t creepy like many buchrim who utilize numerous creepy stalking methods (i.e. facebook poking and random phone calls), rather I would have a short conversation whenever I saw her and I would occasionally IM her. We always remained on good terms and very friendly, but everyone knew that I still wanted to date her. I knew it, she knew it, her roommates new it, my roommates knew it, our friends knew it, and people who didn’t even know us that well, but watched us interact would approach me later and say that it is clear that I want to go out with her. As the months went by I would casually mention that I wanted to take her out or that I liked her, without any progress! No matter how persistent I was, I never seemed to make any headway.Normally if a girl rejects me I just let it roll off my chest without thinking twice and pursue someone else. However, there was something special and irresistible about this meidel that I couldn’t quite put my finger on!

After months of effort I finally decided to consult with one of my chief shidduch advisors, Lorys, to help me gain prospective on the way girls think. I briefly explained my situation to Lorys and the conversation went like this:

Lorys: Did you tell this girl that you like her?
Me: Yes, of course I did!
Lorys: WHAT! Why did you do that?
Me: What do you mean? I like her so I told her! Why wouldn’t I?
Lorys: You never tell a girl that you like that you actually like her! That is the worst thing you can do!
Me: That makes ZERO sense!
Lorys: Listen, girls like to be chased and guys like the chase…that’s just the way the game is played! If you tell a girl straight up that you like them, you won’t get anywhere!
Me: But that’s such a silly game! If I like someone I let them know and I would appreciate it if someone would let me know if they liked me! That’s just logical!
Lorys: Logic doesn’t apply in the shidduch game…it’s a different and unique part of life!
Me: So what should I do to fix my situation?
Lorys: Next time this girl contacts you ignore her!
Me: IGNORE HER?!?!?! BUT I WANT TO TALK TO HER!
Lorys: Well, ignore her or give her terse answers and act very uninterested!
Me: So you want me to act like a jerk?
Lorys: Sorta…girls like jerks!
Me: Why is that?
Lorys: Stop asking “why” questions! There is no “why” when it comes to this stuff! It makes no sense! It’s just the way it is!
Me: Fine, so after I am rude to her then what?
Lorys: Then nothing…you have to make her miss you and want you. You do that by acting totally uninterested! That’s my advice to you!
Me: This is a silly game and it makes no sense!
Lorys: It is a silly game, but everyone plays it!
Me: I don’t…
Lorys: Yes you do…you just don’t realize it yet!

After Lorys shared her insights on the mind of a meidel and on the shidduch game in general I decided to get another prospective. During a business meeting with an accountant, who was a yid and went through the UWS scene, I mentioned my current struggle with the meidel I was pursuing (It may seem weird that I brought up my dating life during a business meeting, especially to a guy I literally just met, and it is weird, but I find this to be quite a frequent occurrence as of late). After letting him in on how long and hard I have pursued this meidel he said this: “You don’t need someone like that. Find someone who likes and respects you for who you are! You don’t need to deal with this nonsense! I’m sure there are plenty of girls that like you for you…focus on them!”

As the days went by I did some serious introspection and meditation on what both Lorys and the accountant told me. I knew that what the accountant told me intellectually made sense and would make life much easier, but I still couldn’t shake my crush! I knew what Lorys told me had some truth to it, but I just couldn’t envision myself playing such a silly and immature game! I also thought about all the things that I liked about the girl I was chasing. I thought she was cute, sweet, spunky, funny, on the same page as me religiously, etc., but so were other meidels that I liked in the past! What was so special about her? AND THEN IT HIT ME LIKE A STACK OF GEMARAHS FALLING FROM SHAMAYIM! Although this girl had some traits that I found very desirable, that wasn’t why I was chasing her! I was chasing her because she kept pushing me away! I loved the chase! No matter how hard I tried to deny I finally realized…I was playing this shidduch game just like everybody else!