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Bochur: What does your mother wear to sleep?
Maidel: I am glad you asked! She wears a polyester robe. It is black and covers her neck and down to her ankles. |
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There is no such thing as a shidduch crisis! Sorry to break the news to all those shaddchanim and dating sites that have leveraged that phrase to market their services, but the fact of the matter is we have blown this whole shidduch dating thing completely out of proportion! If you speak with people outside [...]
There is no such thing as a shidduch crisis! Sorry to break the news to all those shaddchanim and dating sites that have leveraged that phrase to market their services, but the fact of the matter is we have blown this whole shidduch dating thing completely out of proportion! If you speak with people outside the orthodox Jewish circles regarding their definition of the word “crisis”, it may help put things back in perspective. A random guy on the street may define the word “crisis” as the brutal genocide taking place in Darfur, or possibly allude to the 1918 flu pandemic where an estimated 50-100 million people were killed worldwide. Over the years, orthodox Jews have managed to take the word “crisis” and made it synonymous with people that are not married by the time they are in their mid-20s! Not only is this not a crisis, it’s actually pretty silly! The only crisis in the Jewish dating world today is the mindset that we have developed regarding the quest for our bashert. What can potentially be a fun process, with the opportunity to meet a variety of different people, has turned into nothing short of abnormal! We have turned shidduch dating into an arduous process, with tons of pressure, and silly questions about the person’s mother. Below I have outlined the 4 steps we can all take in order to return the orthodox dating scene back to normalcy and to eliminate what many Jews perceive to be a “crisis.”
Step # 1: Get into shidduch dating shape: Shidduch dating shape refers to both a physical and mental state. Very often people want to start dating and can’t seem to get any dates. Generally, one of their first obstacles they must overcome is where they stand physically and mentally.
Physically: Regardless of what people might say, looks DO matter! As I mentioned in previous posts, we can’t control our genetic makeup, but we CAN optimize what we have. If you weren’t fortunate enough to be blessed with a physique that can earn you a spot on the cover of Men’s Health or the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issue (i.e. everyone reading this), then you have some work to do. Join a gym, make yourself a workout schedule (and stick to it!), and lay off the cholent at this week’s Kiddush!
Mentally: One must also get into the right frame of mind mentally before they start shidduch dating. This means you should know what marriage requires emotionally and have a good idea on how you plan on supporting yourself. People rush into marriage nowadays likes it’s the newest fad. Marriage isn’t playing house, it’s a LIFETIME commitment. You should know what you are getting into before you start dating. If you can’t imagine yourself having the same person up in your face 24/7 complaining about their problems, nagging you, and drilling you with tons of questions, then you are probably not ready to get married! This type of mental maturity comes over time and one shouldn’t rush into the dating scene until they have reached this level of mental maturity.
Step # 2: Make sure everyone knows that you’re in the “Parsha”: For some reason many people are very secretive as to whether they are dating someone or not. Others want to just sit back and wait for their bashert to fall into their lap. Like many things in life, sometimes you need to step up and be a little assertive. Once you have completed Step # 1 and know you are in the right place, both mentally and physically, make sure people know that you are now eligible to date! While many individuals “don’t get involved” in setting people up, you will also encounter a fair amount of folks that are more then willing to help out. The more people that know that you are looking to date, means more doors will open up. After a few months of networking with friends, family, and anyone you meet, you will eventually see an inflow of people contacting you to set you up. Don’t be shy! Let people know that you’re in the Parsha!
Step # 3: Don’t be so picky….it’s just one date: Probably the biggest obstacle standing in the way of many singles, is the amount of screening and filtering they must do before agreeing to go out with somebody. Question after question about the smallest and sometimes the most irrelevant things such as: frequency of cinema attendance, seatbelt wearing techniques, and weather the individual’s mother elected to cover her hair! My solution is simple: STOP WITH THE SCREENING! One should ALWAYS go on one date with someone if they 1) Find the person somewhat attractive, 2) are on the same page religiously. Meet the person for a cup of coffee and see how things play out. You are not bound to anything and can learn an infinite more about a person by actually meeting them for an hour or two, then by asking the shaddchan a battery of questions and speaking to their multiple references! When it comes down to it, dating is a numbers game! The more people you get in front of, the better chance you’ll find your bashert, so don’t limit yourself!
Step # 4: Go into your dates with an open-minded attitude: No one knows who we will end up with. Very often people will go into a date looking for exact and super specific qualities in a mate. While it’s important to have a general idea of what you are looking for, it’s impossible to find someone that will agree with you about every single issue. Don’t be so rigid! If someone has a different political stance then you, different minhagim, or the wrong hair color, don’t throw them away! If you simply enjoy spending time with them, find them attractive, have many common interests, and agree on most issues, then you know you found someone special!
Our own worst enemy in this shidduch “crisis” is ourselves! Repeat that phrase to yourself next time you start complaining about not getting any dates, not being married by the age of 24, or living through the biggest shidduch “crisis” in modern Jewish history. Unlike the mass killings in Darfur or an uncontrollable virus spreading across the world killing millions of people, the shidduch “crisis” is something that is in our power to change! We have the ability to work on our physical appearance to get us more dates. We have the power to be more assertive in our shidduch networking to get more shaddchans to set us up. And most importantly, we have the power to have a more “chilled out approach” to dating by limiting our intense screening process! I’ve often heard the phrase that “God helps those who help themselves.” Keeping that in mind, we must do our part to help our shidduch prospects, and then Hakadosh Baruchoo will intervene and make sure that we will ultimately find our bashert in a timely manner!
Girls like jerks! I have never understood the reason for this, but it happens to be a fact. After years in coed camps and schools, and even now during the shidduch process, it is a theory that has been reconfirmed over and over again. The meidels that tend to have it the worst are the super cute and popular ones. They generally have tons of buchrim flocking to them who span the spectrum from the captain of the basketball team to the captain of the Torah Bowl team. However, given their extreme popularity, and their ability to choose almost any buchur they want, they almost always end up with a jerk. Instead of spending time trying to determine why this is the case, I’d like to focus on what attributes make up a high quality buchur. I feel that by pointing out these common characteristic that all top notch buchrim share, it will allow meidels to be more equipped to filter out all the subpar guys in the shidduch world.
Girls like jerks! I have never understood the reason for this, but it happens to be a fact. After years in coed camps and schools, and even now during the shidduch process, it is a theory that has been reconfirmed over and over again. The meidels that tend to have it the worst are the super cute and popular ones. They generally have tons of buchrim flocking to them who span the spectrum from the captain of the basketball team to the captain of the Torah Bowl team. However, given their extreme popularity, and their ability to choose almost any buchur they want, they almost always end up with a jerk. Instead of spending time trying to determine why this is the case, I’d like to focus on what attributes make up a high quality buchur. I feel that by pointing out these common characteristic that all top notch buchrim share, it will allow meidels to be more equipped to filter out all the subpar guys in the shidduch world.
The 4 attributes that make a quality buchur and a great husband are the following:
Driven: The three things that determine an individual’s level of successful in life are: 1) passion 2) luck and 3) drive. Everybody is passionate about something, luck is decided by Hashem, but drive is something that is engrained in us over years of being forced to work for what we want. In a world where most people spend hours playing video games, watching TV, and waiting around for life to fall into place, finding someone who knows what they want out of life and possesses the drive to go out and get it is truly refreshing.
Attractive: Our genetic makeup is not something that we can control. However, I once heard the following statement, which I think holds true: If you give any buchur “a tan, better posture, whiter teeth, a fitness regimen, and clothes that fit, than he’s well on his way to handsome.” The key to a buchur being attractive is putting in some time and effort. If you make the best with what you have, then that’s really all anyone can ask for.
Frum: I don’t like the word “frum” because it is defined in so many ways by so many different people. The key is finding someone who has a sincere passion AND respect for yidishkite. Everyone has their own standards that they wish to go by and different levels of religious observance. However, if you find someone with that type of genuine passion and respect, on whatever level is right for you, it will never go away.
Kindness: Kindness is one of those rare traits that is innate in very few people. The ability to genuinely care about others is not something that one can easily develop, and it is not something that will waver like religious observance, or diminish over time like appearance. If you find someone with this extraordinary middah, you should hold on to them with all your might, because this is not someone that will cross your path very often.
Now you are probably asking yourself “Where am I supposed to find a buchur like this? This isn’t exactly the type of information that is found on a Facebook profile!” You are correct! It’s hard to locate people with these types of unique qualities! Thankfully, I have done the work for you! Just like Forbes compiles a list of the world’s wealthiest people, Fortune accumulates a list of the world’s best companies, and People Magazine assembles a list of the world’s sexiest people, I have put together a list of the “25 Most Eligible Modern Orthodox Bachelors of 2009.” I know each of the following people personally and know that they are unique in the fact that they distinctly possess the 4 aforementioned attributes. In addition to the 4 attributes, they are all buchrim, who in 20 years from now, your girl friends will look at them and say: “Wow, why didn’t I marry a guy like that!”
All bachelors are equally ranked and have been sorted in alphabetical order by last name:
Bengio, Michael
Caplan, Adam
Davidovits, Moe
Douek, Daniel
Eckstein, Dani
Eis, David
Freund, Dovid
Goldglantz, Joe
Gorfinkel, Yirmi
Graber, Josh
Guttmann, Jay
Isser, David
Kilstein, Yaakov
Krohn, Ben
Lapin, Ari
Lev, Michael
Lustiger, Elie
Marciano, David
Raab, Yoni
Raskas, Jonah
Rosenberg, Oliver
Schnipper, Covey
Shenkman, Yoni
Sher, Avi
Westrich, Uri
Ladies, after releasing a list like this my advice to you is simple: Get moving! Contact every friend, colleague, and acquaintance you have! Use Google, Facebook, OnlySimchas and any other site that may be conducive to getting a date with one of these top notch buchrim because I can guarantee you one thing: They will not remain bachelors for long!
Good luck and happy stalking!
I consider myself to be a very lucky and blessed individual! I have my health and a loving mishpacha! I’ve obtained a degree from one of the finest Universities in the world (i.e. YU) and I have a network of business colleagues that spans the globe. I posses a six pack that would make Brad Pitt jealous (only a slight exaggeration) and the type of winning personality that would make Tony Robbins shepp nachas! Despite all the innate ability that hakadosh baruchoo has blessed me with, one of the main reasons I consider myself to be such a fortunate buchur is the fact that I have never been on a bad date! Don’t get me wrong, I’ve taken out plenty of meidels who weren’t my type, my look, and bored the heck out of me, but I can not classify any of my dates as being a real fiasco (bli ayin harah, knock on wood, poo poo poo)! Throughout the past several years, as my friends and I have started dating, I have heard some real dating horror stories! I’ve heard tales of shidduch dates that made my stomach turn and made me want to throw in the towel on the whole shidduch dating process. After several years on the dating front I have decided to outline some of the more basic things that one should refrain from doing on a date. Granted, I’m sure there are plenty of wild stories of one party doing or saying something completely outlandish and out of line, but here are 10 of the more commonly practiced habits that one should refrain doing on a first date.
I consider myself to be a very lucky and blessed individual! I have my health and a loving mishpacha! I’ve obtained a degree from one of the finest Universities in the world (i.e. YU) and I have a network of business colleagues that spans the globe. I posses a six pack that would make Brad Pitt jealous (only a slight exaggeration) and the type of winning personality that would make Tony Robbins shepp nachas! Despite all the innate ability that hakadosh baruchoo has blessed me with, one of the main reasons I consider myself to be such a fortunate buchur is the fact that I have never been on a bad date! Don’t get me wrong, I’ve taken out plenty of meidels who weren’t my type, my look, and bored the heck out of me, but I can not classify any of my dates as being a real fiasco (bli ayin harah, knock on wood, poo poo poo)! Throughout the past several years, as my friends and I have started dating, I have heard some real dating horror stories! I’ve heard tales of shidduch dates that made my stomach turn and made me want to throw in the towel on the whole shidduch dating process. After several years on the dating front I have decided to outline some of the more basic things that one should refrain from doing on a date. Granted, I’m sure there are plenty of wild stories of one party doing or saying something completely outlandish and out of line, but here are 10 of the more commonly practiced habits that one should refrain doing on a first date.
1) Do NOT ask how much money a guy makes: Generally most first dates consist of schmoozing and determining if the two parties have the same goals, interests, and desires. You might be wondering to yourself “How does the issue of annual salary come up on the first date?” Well the answer, as my friend told me, is this:
Meidel: I just interviewed for a teaching job!
Buchur: Great!
Meidel: I asked to be paid 75k starting salary!
Buchur: Oh, wow! That’s great money!
Meidel: Well, how much money do you make? (In a highly condescending voice)
There wasn’t really much tact to the meidels approach. She pretty much laid it all out on the table! Listen, once you are far enough in a relationship, money DOES become a factor because the meidel needs to know if this bachur can support the lifestyle she is accustomed to (i.e. Succos at the Citadel in Israel, Pesach at the Biltmore in Arizona, etc.). However, asking someone how much money they make on a first date is classless, silly, rude, dumb and will pretty much GARUNTEE that there will be no second date! Meidels, do yourself a favor and stick to the basic shylas (where you went to Israel, what’s your favorite sefer, etc.) and hold off on this extremely personal topic until things become a bit more serious!
2) Do NOT talk about previous girl friends/boy friends on the date: “I’m not interested” – That’s generally what people tell me when they have a date who talks non stop about there previous boy friend or girl friend. There will come a point in a relationship when two parties will want to talk (i.e. speak lashon harah) about the previous people they have dated. However, don’t open up to someone about your previous relationships on a first date because: 1) That indicates that you are still emotionally attached to your ex and 2) People are not interested in starting a relationship with someone who has tons of baggage. If you find yourself still talking about your ex non stop, then maybe you need to wait a little while before you jump back into the dating scene!
3) Do NOT order everything on the menu: What may seem logical and basic social etiquette to most meidels is sometimes incomprehensible to others! The buchur you are going on a first date with is not your Daddy! He is taking you out in order to determine if you guys are compatible. He is NOT taking you out for an all you all you can order eat-a-thon because he feels an innate desire to shower you with money. That is why you have your Daddy’s credit card! When a meidel goes out with a buchur and orders several appetizers, a main course, a soft drink, a bottle of wine, and multiple desserts, without the buchur explicitly telling her to do so; she shows a complete lack of class and no sensitivity to a buchur’s financial situation. Contrary to the way these types of meidels are brought up, money does not grow on trees. Money must be earned with hard work and is accumulated over time. Meidels should be cognizant of this before taking it upon themselves to order enough food to feed all the inhabitants of a small country!
4) Do NOT eat with your hands: Ever since most of us were little children, our parents’ would constantly tell us “Do not eat with your hands!” Generally, we grow out of this method of feeding ourselves by the time we reach the tender age of 10. While it may be cute to watch young kids messily shove food into their mouths without cutting it or using a fork, this same method of eating is no longer cute by the time one reaches their mid 20s. In fact it becomes quite nauseating! One meidel mentioned to me that a guy brought her to KD for a first date (first mistake), then proceeded to take his chicken cutlet in his hand and wave it around in the air as he was schmoozing with her, while occasionally taking a bite. If you take nothing else away from this post, at the very least take this: Buchrim, it is imperative to learn how to use utensils if you ever plan on eating in the presence of a meidel!
5) Do NOT bring index cards with a list of questions: For many, it’s often challenging to carry on a conversation, especially with people you never met before. For this reason, I’ve been told that many people may be tempted to carry notes or an index card with questions to ask while on a date. Too be perfectly frank: This is a shtickle pathetic! I can understand if you are not a hot shot salesman or networker who can approach and make conversation with everybody, but come on! At least try to be smooth (Note: Carrying index cards with questions to a first date is NOT smooth). Also, even though shidduch dating is pretty much an interview process, it’s also about building a relationship with the person. Sitting in Starbucks with a notebook filled with questions makes it challenging to develop any type of personal connection. As important as it is to know what the individuals mother wears to sleep at night, if her mother covers her hair, and if she stacks dishes at the shabbos table, it also might be worthwhile to shoot the breeze for a while and try to get a sense of your dates personality, rather then try to determine your interest based a long list of impersonal and more often then not, irrelevant questions!
6) Do NOT just talk about yourself: It’s important to try to make dates interactive. This is done by asking questions and follow up questions. No one is interested in someone who only rants about their own personal interests, hobbies, and career. Make it seem like you actually care what the other party has to say or thinks. When you’re on a date and realize that 2 hours went by and you are the only one that has been speaking, and the only topics that you spoke about were the summers that YOU spent working at HASC, then maybe you should take a step back and inquire what the other person’s interests are. Don’t get me wrong, it’s very important to be passionate about your career and your hobbies, but to talk nonstop about your career as a successful financier or your time spent in the Beis Medresh as a kollelnic can lead anyone to want to want to kill themselves!
Here is the basic framework for a healthy discussion on a date:
Buchur: Ask question.
Meidel: Respond to question. Maybe use a story to illustrate your point (one word answers are NOT acceptable), follow up with a question for the buchur.
Buchur: Make a witty comment (for the more advanced conversationalists ONLY! Great way to fall flat on your face if not adequately experienced/prepared!), Respond to the meidels question, illustrate point with a story. Follow up with another question. Etc.
This is the basic framework of a how NOT to have a discussion on a date:
Buchur: Talk about your day for 10 min straight.
Meidel: Chirps in with a “Mmmmhmmm” or a “OK”
Buchur: Talk about his career for another 10 min
Meidel: Chirps in with a “Mmmmhmmm” or a “OK”
Buchur: Talks about the summers he spent at HASC
Meidel: Chirps in with a “Mmmmhmmm” or a “OK”
If you feel like your conversation is going like the former, then congratulations, you’re on a roll! However, if you feel like your typical date discussion is more accurately described by the latter conversation, then maybe you should take a few minutes and shut your mouth and see what the other party has to say!
7) Do NOT ask the girl to split the bill with you: There are certain things in life that you just don’t do. They are unspoken rules. For example: You don’t make a phone call while in an elevator full of people, you don’t make eye contact with people on the NYC subway, and you don’t tell someone whom you never met that you liked their “pics” on Facebook. Another big no-no is for a buchur to ask a girl to split the bill with him on a date. It has been tradition for many years that a guy takes the girl out and pays for the date. Asking the girl to split the bill with you is just not classy. If you can’t afford to shell out too much money then go out for ice cream instead of dinner, or go to for a walk in the park instead of getting courtside seats to a Knicks game. The power is in the buchurs hands when picking an activity for a date! A guy shouldn’t go on a date like he approaches hanging out with a group of his cronies. When you hang out with your buddies from night seder you can split the cost of the activity. When you hang out one on one with a meidel who you are courting, the buchur MUST pay!
Do NOT be a back seat driver: No one likes backseat drivers! That’s a fact! Very often a buchur will have to shlep to the end of the world (i.e. Long Island/Staten Island/Queens etc.) to take out a specific meidel! In order to get to one of these remote locations, a buchur must drive on less then pleasant roads (Van Wyck, FDR, Grand Central, etc.), while having to endure the less than pleasant drivers (NYers), in addition to having to drive during extreme rush hour traffic! This is part of the price a buchur must pay for dating a NY girl. However, one thing a buchur shouldn’t have to endure is a meidel who insists on commenting on his driving technique at every red light or Stop sign. If a buchur stops at a Stop sign a meidel should not say “Go, already!” in a very annoyed tone. A meidel should not instruct a buchur to put on his turning signal if he forgets, nor should she suggest better breaking techniques! After sitting in 2 hours of traffic on the Grand Central, getting cursed at and being cut off by the unpleasant drivers, and getting heat from your boss for leaving work early, the best thing a meidel can do once she gets into a buchurs car is just smile and look pretty! That will be more appreciated then any type of pointers you can give regarding a buchurs driving skills!
9) Do NOT complain about the date on the date: People always analyze their dates with their friends. That’s fine to an extent! It’s always great to get feedback and bounce ideas off each other. If a date is really horrible, it may even be good to rant about it to your friends to get all those feelings off your chest that you weren’t able to express during the actual date. However, to complain during your date to your date and tell him how unimpressed you are with the venue he has chosen and say something like “I thought you were taking me to a real concert” or “This place is a dump” or express your disappointment for being taken on a subway is really just mean! It’s fair to assume that most people put some level of thought into a date even if it’s just at Starbucks. One must determine which Starbucks to go to and must come pick up a meidel from their residence. These simple things all require a buchur to be somewhat courteous and thoughtful. All the more so, if a buchur takes you to a more original place, even if you don’t like it, it’s just not appropriate to be a witch about it. I’m no poseik, but I think it’s safe to say that it’s better to bad mouth your date to your friends behind his back, then to hurt his feeling and embarrass him on the date itself!
10) Do NOT talk about how shady you were before Israel: Very often, you will encounter a guy or girl who loves talking about their “past life” or how much they “flipped out” in Israel. Here’s a bit of advice: This is not hot! Finding out that your date was the school drug dealer or the school smoocher is not impressive on any level. The fact that an individual still mentions his/her shady past just means that they haven’t actually gained anything from their year in Israel and are actually still proud of how messed up they were in high school. That’s the equivalent of going to a job interview and saying “Man, my last firm hated me because I would harass all the women at work and used to take drugs in the bathroom stalls. Thankfully, I went to a psychologist and rehab and now I’m clean.” On the one hand you might be “clean” now, but why the heck would a company want to hire someone that talks so fondly about their naughty past! Moreover, why would a firm want to hire someone who had that type of past, when they can hire someone with the same credentials who wasn’t a complete nut job at their last firm? The same thing applies with dating. If you managed to luck out and score a date with a quality meidel/buchur even though you severely messed up in high school, keep your shady past on the down low until you develop a relationship with the person and are obligated to disclose that type of information!
Let’s call a spade a spade: Shidduch dating is not a fun process! There are very few people I know that actually like dating for the sake of dating. Most people do it, find their bashert, and are happy to make it out with as few emotional scars as possible! The key is to try to make the whole shidduch dating experience as painless as we can. To do that one must act courteous to their dates and treat each other with respect even if you think the person that you are dating is a total freak show. Being respectful means not asking uncomfortable questions that really don’t concern you, or not making your date feel nauseated by eating like a wild animal, or hurting your dates feelings by mocking him and the venue he chose, or keeping in mind that your date had to trek all the way to Long Island during rush hour traffic to meet you and not busting his chops for forgetting to put on his turning signal when parallel parking! The bottom line is we are all in this shidduch dating game together. Let’s make it as bearable as possible by reviewing the 10 aforementioned rules of engagement, and praying to Hakadosh Baruchoo everyday that we make it out of this phase of our lives with our sanity still intact!
As my El Al flight landed on the tarmac in JFK several years ago, the clock started ticking! At the time, I had no idea that there was a clock or that it started ticking, but as I entered YU I began to feel my time tick away! The clock I speak of is the “shidduch clock.” Many buchrim and meidels feel the pressure to get married once they get back from spending a year in Israel. They spend a year growing, reflecting, learning, and working on themselves and now the next logical step is to get married! Not only do people assume it is the next logical step, but many meidels make it their MISSION to get married or at least engaged by graduation! From the first day back in the U.S. it seems like the main focus for many people has become developing their shidduch resume by spending a summer at HASC, getting involved with Yachad, working at the Sefarim Sale, or finding any and every excuse to go up to the guys campus. Over the past few years, since my Shana Aleph, I began to wonder why there is so much pressure to get married so soon after Israel. Why are meidels so panicky if they are still not married by graduation? Also, is it really the worst thing in the world to be single for several years after college?
As my El Al flight landed on the tarmac in JFK several years ago, the clock started ticking! At the time, I had no idea that there was a clock or that it started ticking, but as I entered YU I began to feel my time tick away! The clock I speak of is the “shidduch clock.” Many buchrim and meidels feel the pressure to get married once they get back from spending a year in Israel. They spend a year growing, reflecting, learning, and working on themselves and now the next logical step is to get married! Not only do people assume it is the next logical step, but many meidels make it their MISSION to get married or at least engaged by graduation! From the first day back in the U.S. it seems like the main focus for many people has become developing their shidduch resume by spending a summer at HASC, getting involved with Yachad, working at the Sefarim Sale, or finding any and every excuse to go up to the guys campus. Over the past few years, since my Shana Aleph, I began to wonder why there is so much pressure to get married so soon after Israel. Why are meidels so panicky if they are still not married by graduation? Also, is it really the worst thing in the world to be single for several years after college?
The panic generally starts to set in when a meidel’s first friend gets engaged. After Israel there are always 1 or 2 couples who have been dating throughout high school, make it through their year in Israel, and get engaged and married not too long after. These people have managed to locate someone that they know they want to spend the rest of their lives with. They have managed to acquire enough knowledge and learn enough about themselves within the past 19 or 20 years of their lives that has prepared them to get married, support a family, and to build a bayis ne’eman biyisroel at such a young age! In many ways these people are very fortunate. However, finding your bashert right after Israel is definitely not the norm. With most of us, the days tick by and Sophomore year turns into Junior year, and Junior year turns into Senior year. Eventually, with graduation in sight, many girls come to the realization that they will be unsuccessful in obtaining the coveted MRS degree while at Stern and will be spending the first year out of school living on their own in either Washington Heights or the Upper West Side!
Contrary to popular belief, it’s not the biggest tragedy in the world to not be married by graduation or to move to one of the single communities on the upper west side of Manhattan! In fact, it can be viewed as a tremendous gift to have a few years during college and a few years afterwards to work on yourself, develop your character, and figure out what you want in life. It’s the perfect time to determine what type of career path you’d like to pursue and a great opportunity to become more independent by living on your own. Additionally, it’s really the only few years where you will have “you time.” It’s a time to be somewhat selfish. Your time is spent thinking about yourself, your future, and you don’t have a spouse or children to worry about. Granted everyone has responsibilities to their friends and family, but if you decide to pick up and go across the country on a school sponsored trip, you can! If you want to take 10 friends and go skiing in Utah, nothing is stopping you! If you want to see a 12am weekday showing of a movie, you can do it without feeling too irresponsible. It seems like these years of opportunity are viewed as a tremendous burden. Many people spend their single years worrying about finding someone to marry, rather than actually taking advantage of this time and celebrating their youth and freedom! Plenty individuals go from event to event hoping to find that special someone, rather than going through life appreciating what they already have!
The other day a buchur reached out to me regarding his frustration with the shidduch crisis and his inability to find his bashert. He asked for my advice and any suggestions I may have. After addressing some of his more specific issues, I said “…the best advice I can give you is to try every approach. Go on YUConnects, ask people out directly, go to the YU/Stern events, go on Shabbatons, tell friends to set you up. Everything and anything can work and not work. Very often in life things come to us when we least expect it and as long as you are doing your part and putting in an effort, than God takes care of the rest. Like I mentioned in one of my previous posts, there is only so much in life we have control over. The only things we do have control over are our actions and how we react to any given situation that is put before us. Assuming you are putting in an honest effort to find your bashert, then you are doing all the right things. You just need to wait for God to let you know when it’s the right time.” In the meantime, just try to enjoy and get the most out of life!
As I write about this topic I remember my flight back from England to Israel several years ago. After a several hour delay, I finally landed at Ben Gurion airport on no sleep at about 4:00 in the morning. As the pilot was rushing through his final messages over the intercom reminding us to gather all our belongings, not to get up until the plane has come to a complete stop, and thanking us for flying Isra-air, he said the following “…and just remember one thing ladies and gentleman: You can stay single and be lonely the rest of your life, or get married and wish you were dead! Thanks and have a great day!” To this day I am not exactly sure why he made that comment. One can only imagine what types of problems he was having at home, but it struck me as a very interesting remark. The fact of the matter is the shidduch search can be a very lonely road at times, everybody who has ever been single knows that. However, we shouldn’t forget the last part of the pilot’s statement! Although we think that marriage is some type of nirvana, it is full of many challenges. The years in college and post college that lead up to marriage are the time that prepares us for this new chapter of our lives and we shouldn’t waste it wishing things were different! We shouldn’t take for granted our singlehood!
My Shidduch Advisor, Usher, once said: The word MAZAL is comprised of 3 letters that stand for three things:
Mem = Makom (place)
Zion = Zman (time)
Lamed = Lev (heart)
In order to have MAZAL in any situation, in particular with the shidduch hunt, you need to have these 3 components working for you. You need to be in the right place, it must be the right time, and you must pursue it with all your heart. Regardless of where you are in life, whether you are about to graduate college, you’re finishing graduate school, or you’re entering another year on the Upper West Side or Washington Heights, if you are still single, than keep the following things in mind:
1) You will get married! Stop panicking!
2) You are not alone in your loneliness on your quest to find your bashert!
3) You are very fortunate to have these years of singlehood and will miss them a great deal once you’re married. Don’t waste them!
4) In the end you can only do so much, and then God takes care of the rest!
Good Luck and God bless!
Yom Ha’atzmaut, Israeli Independence Day, is of special significance and a cause for celebration for Jews around the world. At Yeshiva University, Yom Ha’atzmaut is of great significance and a cause for celebration for an additional reason: It is the only day during the entire year when ALL the Stern girls come up to the [...]
Yom Ha’atzmaut, Israeli Independence Day, is of special significance and a cause for celebration for Jews around the world. At Yeshiva University, Yom Ha’atzmaut is of great significance and a cause for celebration for an additional reason: It is the only day during the entire year when ALL the Stern girls come up to the boy’s campus! Every meidel, from the Michlala girls to the French girls, the Accounting girls to the Pre-Med girls, and the Long Island girls to the LA girls are in attendance and dance hand in hand in celebration for the Jewish State. Naturally, given this incredibly unique occasion, it is only logical that all the buchrim from the YU community, regardless of religious observance, attend the festivities as well! Whether a buchur is a black hatter or a clubber, a Torah shteiger or a weed smoker, the odds are that at least one meidel at the event will pique his interest! With all the tremendous upside potential that such an affair can have, naturally there are some drawbacks, which I learned later that evening.
After several moving speeches about Israel, the crowd proceeded to go to the Max Stern Athletic Center for some Israeli style dancing. As we made our way to the dancing floor I got a huge waft of Israeli styled BO as the doors were opened. YU really thought of everything to help authenticate the experience! After about 10 minutes in the gym I came out for some fresh air and figured that I’d check out what types of exotic Israeli cuisine was being served. As I walked into the cafeteria, I ran into my good friend, Avrumi, who had a very troubled expression on his face.
Me: Avrumi, come get some falafel balls and shawarma with me! I’m starving!
Avrumi: They don’t have any shawarma and I think I’m going to head back to my apartment! Tonight was pretty intense…
Me: WHAT!?!?! No shawarma! What kind of Israeli celebration is this? I mean they have the BO in the gym to go along with the dancing, which is a nice Israeli touch…and the Hebrew speeches were pretty good… how can they not have any shawarma? That’s a staple of any Israeli celebration!
Avrumi: Forget the food! I have other things on my mind tonight!
(Seeing that I wasn’t going to get to the food anytime soon, I decided to inquire as to what transpired over the evening that was so troublesome to Avrumi.)
Me: Avrumi, what’s wrong?
Avrumi: Well things started off nicely…saw some cuties, got into the dancing!
Me: Cuties are good! I like cuties!
Avrumi: Then I came in to the cafeteria for food and that’s when things went downhill!
Me: Oh no! You lost track of the cuties?
Avrumi: Well, I took a large plate of food then looked for a seat. I only spotted one seat in the entire room, so I went to sit down. As I do so, I see that the seat is next to some girl I asked out and got rejected by.
Me: Ouch! So what did you do?
Avrumi: There was nothing I could do! She already saw me…so I just sat down and pretended that I was happy to see her!
Me: Eh…that stuff happens. What’s the big deal?
Avrumi: I’m just getting started! After 2 minutes of me sitting there stuffing my face and listening to her blab on and on about her new boyfriend, another girl walks over. This girl went on two dates with me then gave me the ax! So she starts talking to the first girl and after a couple minutes of her yapping away, I see a girl walk by that I currently have a thing for. She comes over and starts talking to me.
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of girls! So what happened with you and the girl you currently have a “thing” for!
Avrumi: Oh, she rejected me a few weeks ago! Whatever…so after a few minutes, I finished devouring my food so I wouldn’t have to sit there anymore, and then I start walking to the other side of the room and who do I run into? Another girl I asked out and got rejected by!
Me: You should stop dating Stern girls. That would limit the awkwardness at these events.
Avrumi: 1) This last girl goes to Columbia. 2) I never said things were awkward! They were just not pleasant situations. Things only become awkward when you make them awkward!
Me: Note to self!
Avrumi: Anyway, so as I’m walking away from Ms. Columbia, I walk into some girl I dated and I rejected! I think she still has a “thing” for me, so I tried to be pleasant and friendly. Finally, after another boring/waste of time discussion, I make my way to the exit and as I’m 10 feet from the door I run into another girl who was into me, asked me for my number, and I rejected!
Me: I’m getting confused with all these girls!
Avrumi: That’s fine, she was the last one. I told her I felt like I was going to vomit and she left me alone!
Me: Well, that’s a lot of girls, and a lot of rejections! Over what span of time did you date/get rejected by all these girls? 2 years? 3 years?Avrumi: Hmmm, maybe 8 months.
Me: 8 MONTHS! You dated all these girls in 8 months? You’re a machine!
Avrumi: Are you joking? I’ve dated over 30 girls in the past 8 months. There just happens to be around 1/3 of them in this room right now!
Me: 30!?!?! WOW! You are a god amongst men! Your perseverance amazes me and your smoothness and lack of awkwardness is awe inspiring.
Avrumi: Thanks! Wow, I worked up quite an appetite from sharing all that with you! Let’s go get some food. I think that girl standing by the French fries told me she wouldn’t date me last June because I wear jeans…
It is important that I mention that by no means is Avrumi a neb. He is driven, frum, has his act together, and is a solid looking buchur. He’s even pretty smooth with the meidels! What I’ve learned from my discussion with Avrumi is twofold: 1) Everyone, no matter what you have going for you, will get rejected at some point in life! It’s just the way things work. 2) You must persevere regardless of how many times you’ve been rejected! Even though Avrumi seems to get rejected regularly, he gets right back on the shidduch dating train and asks out another meidel! Vince Lombardi, the famous football coach, once said “It’s not whether you get knocked down; it’s whether you get back up” Michael Jordan had a similar quote about failure, which was: “I’ve missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I’ve lost almost 300 games. 26 times, I’ve been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I’ve failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed.” Despite how talented, good looking, frum and awesome we might be…we are all bound to fail! It’s not a negative way of viewing life; it is just an accurate observation of the way life works. Although at times it seems like the search for your bashert is an endless barrage of horrible experiences at Starbucks, boring trips to the Marriott, or dinners where you are more interested in your food than the person sitting across from you, the fact of the matter is the odds are in in your favor! My friend and Shidduch Advisor, Usher, summed up this idea beautifully with one of the best pieces of advice on the seemingly endless quest for one’s bashert. He said: “Bro, just keep in mind, you only need ONE of these girls to work out!” Shidduch dating is not baseball, where every swing of your bat can potentially hurt your batting average! The shidduch game is a numbers game, as Avrumi clearly understands! The more people you go out with, the better odds you have at finding that special someone who is in fact your bashert!
