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Bochur: I want to learn in Israel for 3 years after marriage with my kallah!
Maidel: ...and my Tati will be happy to support us! |
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Yom Ha’atzmaut, Israeli Independence Day, is of special significance and a cause for celebration for Jews around the world. At Yeshiva University, Yom Ha’atzmaut is of great significance and a cause for celebration for an additional reason: It is the only day during the entire year when ALL the Stern girls come up to the [...]
Yom Ha’atzmaut, Israeli Independence Day, is of special significance and a cause for celebration for Jews around the world. At Yeshiva University, Yom Ha’atzmaut is of great significance and a cause for celebration for an additional reason: It is the only day during the entire year when ALL the Stern girls come up to the boy’s campus! Every meidel, from the Michlala girls to the French girls, the Accounting girls to the Pre-Med girls, and the Long Island girls to the LA girls are in attendance and dance hand in hand in celebration for the Jewish State. Naturally, given this incredibly unique occasion, it is only logical that all the buchrim from the YU community, regardless of religious observance, attend the festivities as well! Whether a buchur is a black hatter or a clubber, a Torah shteiger or a weed smoker, the odds are that at least one meidel at the event will pique his interest! With all the tremendous upside potential that such an affair can have, naturally there are some drawbacks, which I learned later that evening.
After several moving speeches about Israel, the crowd proceeded to go to the Max Stern Athletic Center for some Israeli style dancing. As we made our way to the dancing floor I got a huge waft of Israeli styled BO as the doors were opened. YU really thought of everything to help authenticate the experience! After about 10 minutes in the gym I came out for some fresh air and figured that I’d check out what types of exotic Israeli cuisine was being served. As I walked into the cafeteria, I ran into my good friend, Avrumi, who had a very troubled expression on his face.
Me: Avrumi, come get some falafel balls and shawarma with me! I’m starving!
Avrumi: They don’t have any shawarma and I think I’m going to head back to my apartment! Tonight was pretty intense…
Me: WHAT!?!?! No shawarma! What kind of Israeli celebration is this? I mean they have the BO in the gym to go along with the dancing, which is a nice Israeli touch…and the Hebrew speeches were pretty good… how can they not have any shawarma? That’s a staple of any Israeli celebration!
Avrumi: Forget the food! I have other things on my mind tonight!
(Seeing that I wasn’t going to get to the food anytime soon, I decided to inquire as to what transpired over the evening that was so troublesome to Avrumi.)
Me: Avrumi, what’s wrong?
Avrumi: Well things started off nicely…saw some cuties, got into the dancing!
Me: Cuties are good! I like cuties!
Avrumi: Then I came in to the cafeteria for food and that’s when things went downhill!
Me: Oh no! You lost track of the cuties?
Avrumi: Well, I took a large plate of food then looked for a seat. I only spotted one seat in the entire room, so I went to sit down. As I do so, I see that the seat is next to some girl I asked out and got rejected by.
Me: Ouch! So what did you do?
Avrumi: There was nothing I could do! She already saw me…so I just sat down and pretended that I was happy to see her!
Me: Eh…that stuff happens. What’s the big deal?
Avrumi: I’m just getting started! After 2 minutes of me sitting there stuffing my face and listening to her blab on and on about her new boyfriend, another girl walks over. This girl went on two dates with me then gave me the ax! So she starts talking to the first girl and after a couple minutes of her yapping away, I see a girl walk by that I currently have a thing for. She comes over and starts talking to me.
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of girls! So what happened with you and the girl you currently have a “thing” for!
Avrumi: Oh, she rejected me a few weeks ago! Whatever…so after a few minutes, I finished devouring my food so I wouldn’t have to sit there anymore, and then I start walking to the other side of the room and who do I run into? Another girl I asked out and got rejected by!
Me: You should stop dating Stern girls. That would limit the awkwardness at these events.
Avrumi: 1) This last girl goes to Columbia. 2) I never said things were awkward! They were just not pleasant situations. Things only become awkward when you make them awkward!
Me: Note to self!
Avrumi: Anyway, so as I’m walking away from Ms. Columbia, I walk into some girl I dated and I rejected! I think she still has a “thing” for me, so I tried to be pleasant and friendly. Finally, after another boring/waste of time discussion, I make my way to the exit and as I’m 10 feet from the door I run into another girl who was into me, asked me for my number, and I rejected!
Me: I’m getting confused with all these girls!
Avrumi: That’s fine, she was the last one. I told her I felt like I was going to vomit and she left me alone!
Me: Well, that’s a lot of girls, and a lot of rejections! Over what span of time did you date/get rejected by all these girls? 2 years? 3 years?Avrumi: Hmmm, maybe 8 months.
Me: 8 MONTHS! You dated all these girls in 8 months? You’re a machine!
Avrumi: Are you joking? I’ve dated over 30 girls in the past 8 months. There just happens to be around 1/3 of them in this room right now!
Me: 30!?!?! WOW! You are a god amongst men! Your perseverance amazes me and your smoothness and lack of awkwardness is awe inspiring.
Avrumi: Thanks! Wow, I worked up quite an appetite from sharing all that with you! Let’s go get some food. I think that girl standing by the French fries told me she wouldn’t date me last June because I wear jeans…
It is important that I mention that by no means is Avrumi a neb. He is driven, frum, has his act together, and is a solid looking buchur. He’s even pretty smooth with the meidels! What I’ve learned from my discussion with Avrumi is twofold: 1) Everyone, no matter what you have going for you, will get rejected at some point in life! It’s just the way things work. 2) You must persevere regardless of how many times you’ve been rejected! Even though Avrumi seems to get rejected regularly, he gets right back on the shidduch dating train and asks out another meidel! Vince Lombardi, the famous football coach, once said “It’s not whether you get knocked down; it’s whether you get back up” Michael Jordan had a similar quote about failure, which was: “I’ve missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I’ve lost almost 300 games. 26 times, I’ve been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I’ve failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed.” Despite how talented, good looking, frum and awesome we might be…we are all bound to fail! It’s not a negative way of viewing life; it is just an accurate observation of the way life works. Although at times it seems like the search for your bashert is an endless barrage of horrible experiences at Starbucks, boring trips to the Marriott, or dinners where you are more interested in your food than the person sitting across from you, the fact of the matter is the odds are in in your favor! My friend and Shidduch Advisor, Usher, summed up this idea beautifully with one of the best pieces of advice on the seemingly endless quest for one’s bashert. He said: “Bro, just keep in mind, you only need ONE of these girls to work out!” Shidduch dating is not baseball, where every swing of your bat can potentially hurt your batting average! The shidduch game is a numbers game, as Avrumi clearly understands! The more people you go out with, the better odds you have at finding that special someone who is in fact your bashert!
Several weeks ago, my Chief Shidduch Advisor, Shaindel, suggested that I go to a speed dating event with her. I said “No way…not my thing!” After much persistence, I finally caved and decided to tag a long because there is always that possibility that my bashert could be in attendance. So off we went to speed date! We walked into the building, signed up, and received our name tags. Having never attended a speed dating event before I wasn’t quite sure what to expect, but the set up was pretty much as I imagined it would be. There were several long tables with chairs on both sides. The meidels sat on one side, while the buchrim sat on the other. Every 90 seconds the shaddchan would blow her whistle and the buchrim would slide over a seat to meet the next highly eligible meidel. After everyone met each other via speed dating, there was dinner and time to mingle. As the mingling took place I got to meet/observe some of the other buchrim at the event. Some guys were well groomed, polished, and dressed to impress. While the overwhelming majority of others looked like they rolled out of bed 5 seconds ago! It looked as though many guys put absolutely NO EFFORT into their appearance! I began to contemplate why anyone would walk out of their house looking like such a shlamazel, ESPECIALLY when you are attending an event where you are “interviewing” to find your bashert! Most things in life we have no control over, however, there are plenty of things that are under our power to change or perfect. The following are three observations I made that night that could easily be corrected by the male attendees, assuming they put in some time and effort.
Several weeks ago, my Chief Shidduch Advisor, Shaindel, suggested that I go to a speed dating event with her. I said “No way…not my thing!” After much persistence, I finally caved and decided to tag a long because there is always that possibility that my bashert could be in attendance. So off we went to speed date! We walked into the building, signed up, and received our name tags. Having never attended a speed dating event before I wasn’t quite sure what to expect, but the set up was pretty much as I imagined it would be. There were several long tables with chairs on both sides. The meidels sat on one side, while the buchrim sat on the other. Every 90 seconds the shaddchan would blow her whistle and the buchrim would slide over a seat to meet the next highly eligible meidel. After everyone met each other via speed dating, there was dinner and time to mingle. As the mingling took place I got to meet/observe some of the other buchrim at the event. Some guys were well groomed, polished, and dressed to impress. While the overwhelming majority of others looked like they rolled out of bed 5 seconds ago! It looked as though many guys put absolutely NO EFFORT into their appearance! I began to contemplate why anyone would walk out of their house looking like such a shlamazel, ESPECIALLY when you are attending an event where you are “interviewing” to find your bashert! Most things in life we have no control over, however, there are plenty of things that are under our power to change or perfect. The following are three observations I made that night that could easily be corrected by the male attendees, assuming they put in some time and effort.
Teeth – Some guys at the event had teeth that were truly frightening! Just to clarify: When I say “bad teeth” I am not talking about bad breath, which is quite understandable. Someone might have had an onion and garlic sandwich prior to the event, washed it down with a glass of borscht, and forgot to brush their teeth. These things happen! When I say bad teeth, I’m talking about teeth that are mamish crooked and pointing in every direction, but straight. In addition to the crooked factor, they were also super yellow. Now, several decades ago if your teeth came out crooked and yellow you were stuck with them! However, nowadays it is INEXCUSABLE to have teeth that are so horrid! This is the 21st century and there is this great invention called braces! Everyone who is anyone has had braces! If you didn’t need braces, than good for you! If you did need braces, and you got them, then you are part of the majority. However, if you’re teeth are as horrible as I described, and you still haven’t gotten them…you really need to get your act together! Now let’s address the yellowness factor. Getting your teeth whitened by a dentist can be pricey and is often not covered by insurance. Therefore, I recommend two things 1) whitening tooth pastes and 2) Crest whitening strips. Maybe your teeth won’t be milk white, but at least you will be in better shape then when you started! Most people don’t have teeth that are anything to write home about, but straightening them and cleaning them are the mere basics! Bad teeth are a major turn off. Unless you plan on doing your shidduch dating in England, which is the only country that seems to have a strong appreciation for poor dental hygiene, then I would get on top of this issue immediately!
Fashion – I, along with many men, HATE shopping and know little about clothing. If I never had to step foot in a mall again, I will be a very happy bachur! That being said, I still know that when I go on a job interview, a shidduch date, or out to dinner with friends, I need to look presentable! Too come to a speed dating event in a shirt that is wrinkled and looks like you rolled around in a puddle of mud before you arrived is really just offensive! It indicates that you really don’t have any respect for yourself or the person you are meeting. Listen, I’d love to walk around in my PJs all day, but the fact of the matter is its not respectful and it would reflect extremely poorly on me! Speaking of reflecting poorly, let’s mention a few other observations I made regarding clothing that are big no-no’s: Buttoning the top button on your dress shirt without wearing a tie looks absolutely ridiculous! Wearing a pocket protector and walking around with a pad of paper and a pen will ensure that you are labeled as a nerd (if that’s the look you’re going for), but buttoning your top button is just over the top! I don’t think that was EVER considered a stylish way to dress! Wearing pants that fit are also highly desirable amongst meidels! Pants that are too baggy look ridiculous! You are not in the hood, so don’t dress like a gangsta! Pants that are too tight might lead people to think that you are at the wrong type of event; unless of course you are European…then you might be able to get away with it! Pants that fit are important. Let’s talk about socks! Wearing black pants, black shoes and white socks just won’t fly. If you are looking to experiment with the chassidish look, then a speed dating event is not the time or place for it. All in all, you should look presentable, and not like a shlump. No one is asking you to wear the finest designer clothing, but to wear a clean shirt, matching clothes, and pants that fit should not be too much to handle!
Schmoozing Ability – Some buchrim are born with the innate ability to schmooze with anyone and have a way with the ladies. If you are not one of these people, don’t feel bad! Most people are not like this! However, there are certain social norms that are expected from all people, regardless of how awful their social skills might be. One thing that I constantly saw reoccurring was the following: A meidel is having a discussion with several people and a random guy gets into the girls face and starts trying to hock with her. Note: It is not socially acceptable to get up in a meidels face when she is in the middle of a discussion in an effort to have your own separate conversation with her! This is rude, annoying, and not a turn on. Being aggressive is admirable, but interrupting someone’s discussion is not. Speaking of discussions let’s talk about having a conversation. The typical conversation amongst individuals generally has a lot of give and take. One person will say something like “Hi, I’m Yitzy.” And the person being spoken to will respond, by saying “My name is, Frumie!” To which Yitzy should respond by saying anything from how nice the weather is, making a witty remark, asking a follow up question, etc. At the event, there were even pieces of paper given to the speed daters of questions you can ask in case you get stuck! What frequently happened was a buchur would approach a meidel and this is how the encounter would take place:
Yitzy: Hi!
Frumie: Hi!
(Awkward silence)
Frumie: I’m Frumie…
(Awkward silence)
Frumie: What do you do for fun?
(Awkward silence)
Yitzy: Uhhh…Nothing…
Frumie: Oh, OK. I like ice cream.
(Awkward silence)
Yitzy: [Gives Frumie a sociopathic smile, but doesn’t utter a word]
Frumie: OK, I’m going to go walk over there now. Nice meeting you.
END OF COVERSATION
Having a conversation is a two way street! It’s not enough to just start a conversation by saying “hi.” There needs to be some back and forth! Conversing with someone is not the same as turning on the TV or going to a shiur and just listening. Step up, and keep the conversation going. Rule of thumb: If you ever get stuck you can always discuss the weather, what the person does for a living, or their favorite sefer. It can sometimes be nerve racking talking to a meidel and this is quite understandable. However, there is really no excuse for being rude! If someone is having a discussion, leave them alone until they have finished. If you are initiating a discussion, then it is important that you fully PARTICIPATE in the discussion! It is not the meidels job to entertain you!
In life, despite what we want to believe, there are only so many factors that we can control. We can not control are genetic make up, our intelligence, or external factors that effect our everyday life. We can’t make an employer want to hire us, a person like us, or get an individual to want to date us. In a world where we really have the power over so little, why not try to refine and perfect the areas where we do have some control? Although none of us are blessed with flawless physical features, we should still do our part to make the best of what we have. Whether that means regular dentist visits, brushing our hair, wearing a clean and ironed shirt, showering, going to the gym regularly, or even asking the salesman at the mall what the latest trends and styles are! Also, many people get a bit awkward when they talk to the opposite gender, especially if it’s someone that piques their interest, however, everyone can at least ATTEMPT at having a normal conversation! It’s very easy to sit back and wait for things to come to you. It’s also easy to let yourself go and to convince yourself that there is no way for you to improve certain character traits or features. Whenever you are in a funk and think these thoughts just tell yourself this: “My time is now.” Your time is now to refine yourself. Your time is now to change any unwanted mannerisms. The time to make all adjustments is now while you are still young because before you know it, you will blink, and you will be the same person with crooked yellow teeth, wearing wrinkled dirty shirts to speed dating events, and interrupting peoples conversations, as you were as an awkward 20 something year old looking for his/her bashert!
Your time is now…
“I work at the YU Seforim Sale because I’m an incredibly well rounded and open minded individual and I relish the opportunity to meet and converse with a variety of different people that come to the sale…Especially the cute Michlala girls!” The Yeshiva University Commentator quoted me as saying those words in response to the question: “What is your favorite part about working at the Seforim Sale?” For some reason, while I was a student at YU, I had a phase where I was absolutely mesmerized by Michlala girls. I don’t know if it was the ultra-tznius way that they dress or the mystique that they possess by only coming out of hiding for “shtark” events such as the Seforim Sale or the Yom Ha’atzmaut chaggiga. Either way, during my senior year at YU, I knew for a fact that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with a meidel that attended Michlala! After about 6 months, many dates, and several Michlala girls later, my obsession finally subsided and I began to question what lead me to develop such an interest in these girls. Furthermore, I wondered, in this day and age, what leads young men and women to develop such a strong fixation with any individual? I’ve come to realize that there are two competing influences that affect our decisions and perception when looking for an ideal mate: Secular culture vs. Religious culture.
“I work at the YU Seforim Sale because I’m an incredibly well rounded and open minded individual and I relish the opportunity to meet and converse with a variety of different people that come to the sale…Especially the cute Michlala girls!” The Yeshiva University Commentator quoted me as saying those words in response to the question: “What is your favorite part about working at the Seforim Sale?” For some reason, while I was a student at YU, I had a phase where I was absolutely mesmerized by Michlala girls. I don’t know if it was the ultra-tznius way that they dress or the mystique that they possess by only coming out of hiding for “shtark” events such as the Seforim Sale or the Yom Ha’atzmaut chaggiga. Either way, during my senior year at YU, I knew for a fact that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with a meidel that attended Michlala! After about 6 months, many dates, and several Michlala girls later, my obsession finally subsided and I began to question what lead me to develop such an interest in these girls. Furthermore, I wondered, in this day and age, what leads young men and women to develop such a strong fixation with any individual? I’ve come to realize that there are two competing influences that affect our decisions and perception when looking for an ideal mate: Secular culture vs. Religious culture.
Secular culture: A casual walk through Times Square, watching a few minutes of television, or a drive down any highway and we are bombarded with billboards or commercials of scantily clad men and women, prancing around in underwear with their chiseled abs and skin that is airbrushed to perfection. All these things blur reality and try to lead us to believe that if we attain that appearance or find a spouse that has, then we have found the love of our life! Let’s face the facts! Very few people will actually attain this level of beauty naturally. Odds are you won’t end up with one of them (Sorry, bro!)! Additionally, with the proper amount of makeup and the right lighting, you can make almost anyone look like a hottie! The images of people we are seeing are after hours of cropping and editing! Given all that we are exposed to via television and advertisements, one would come to believe that the ultimate soul mate is one that has attained extreme beauty!
Religious culture: On the other side of the coin, and the one that I believe influenced my obsession with Michlala girls, are our religious leaders pushing other criteria when trying to find our mate. While studying in Israel for the year, the Rebbeim constantly pushed us to focus on ruchneeus (spirituality) rather than gashmeeus (materialism). Once we came back from Israel and entered the shidduch world, the simple idea of focusing on one’s neshama, and not only their physical appearance, somehow mutated into a list of exact and absurd specifications that are required before a first date. Some of which, but certainly not all include: 1) Does the meidel wear open toed shoes? 2) Does the buchur’s mother cover her hair? 3) Does the meidel have the AUDACITY to wear a seatbelt in the car? 4) Does the buchur have a list of multiple references that can confirm his daily Torah learning? 5) Does the meidel stack plates at the Shabbos table? 6) What does the buchur’s mother wear to sleep (that is a real question that I saw while skimming through the shidduch literature at this year’s Sefarim Sale)? This school of thought has led people to believe that the most important factor in finding one’s bashert is the individual’s religious observance.
One might think that the logical conclusion to this conflict of ideologies should be somewhere in the middle, which is paying attention to an individuals looks, as well as their religious observance. While this idea may be true, I think that there is a very important factor that we tend to leave out. The real question and the first one we should all be asking ourselves before we start dating is: “Who am I?” Once we understand who we are, we can understand what type of person we are looking to spend the rest of our lives with. It may not only be about attractiveness or religious level, rather it is about knowing who will make us happy! To help me illustrate my point I’d like to reference the highly acclaimed American Pie films. It was in these movies where I heard one of the most profound ideas about finding your soul mate. Throughout the first film, the main character, Jim, wants to date a pretty foreign girl named Nadia. Unable to get a date with her to the prom, he gets a nerdy girl who goes to band camp to attend the prom with him and they have a very enjoyable time together. In American Pie 2, Jim has built a friendship with the band geek and she is constantly shown giving Jim advice on how to develop a relationship with Nadia. Towards the end of the film, Jim is finally alone with Nadia and he finally has the opportunity to consummate their status as boyfriend and girlfriend. Then, all of a sudden, Jim begins to leave. This is the dialogue:
Jim: Nadia, please don’t take this the wrong way – You are everything I… used to want in a woman, and as much as I’m really… really going to regret this, I think I need to be with someone else.
Nadia: You… you want the band geek?
Jim: Nadia, I *am* a band geek. I just never joined the band.
Jim’s final statement may be overlooked throughout the course of the movie, but it is quite profound in nature. He finally realized who he was as a person, which was a band geek, and that’s the type of person he will be most happy with. After years pursuing one specific girl, he came to the realization that she is not what he is looking for in a shidduch despite her beauty and neshama. Although American Pie is just a movie, I think the point that we gain from this dialogue is quite clear. So often we spend our lives pursuing a person that we are led to believe is “perfect” in either physical appearance or in religious observance. In my case it was a Michlala girl, in Jim’s case it was Nadia, and in your case it’s _________________. Even though there are many factors that are important in the hunt for your bashert, the most important elements to marriage are that you enjoy spending time with the person, they make you laugh, and they like you for who you are. These traits won’t fade over time like looks and they won’t waver over the course of your life like religious observance. As we approach Pesach and search for chameitz (sorry, I had to tie it into Pesach somehow), we should try to internalize this message and search within ourselves for who we are and what we are REALLY looking for in a shidduch. My bracha to everyone reading this is that we will all be zoche to find our very own “band geek” in the near future!
Chag Kasher ve-Sameach!
Several weeks ago I was walking with a few friends to the subway when we ran into two fine meidels. I was good friends with one meidel, and the other one was a super cutie that I’ve never met before. After a brief exchange of pleasantries we were on our way. The following day I followed up with my friend and asked her to set me up with the super cutie. She responded by saying “No, I don’t see it! You eat at coed meals on the Upper West Side on Shabbos…she would never date you!” As absurd as this excuse may sound, I’m sure that everyone reading this article can identify with a similar experience. At some point in our dating lives we have all asked someone, who we thought was our friend, to set us up, and they responded by saying “I don’t see it…” followed by several nonsensical excuses as to why they won’t mention your interest to their friend. It’s almost ironic that one of the biggest obstacles in our search for our bashert is our friends! Our single friends and our married friends both play their own special part in making it even more difficult for us singles to find our one true love!
Several weeks ago I was walking with a few friends to the subway when we ran into two fine meidels. I was good friends with one meidel, and the other one was a super cutie that I’ve never met before. After a brief exchange of pleasantries we were on our way. The following day I followed up with my friend and asked her to set me up with the super cutie. She responded by saying “No, I don’t see it! You eat at coed meals on the Upper West Side on Shabbos…she would never date you!” As absurd as this excuse may sound, I’m sure that everyone reading this article can identify with a similar experience. At some point in our dating lives we have all asked someone, who we thought was our friend, to set us up, and they responded by saying “I don’t see it…” followed by several nonsensical excuses as to why they won’t mention your interest to their friend. It’s almost ironic that one of the biggest obstacles in our search for our bashert is our friends! Our single friends and our married friends both play their own special part in making it even more difficult for us singles to find our one true love!
Single Friends: Friends have a tendency to act as screeners when it comes to the shidduch scene. Maybe it’s to protect us, or maybe it’s because they think they can predict the future and have the ability to determine who we will marry. Do me a favor, as much as I appreciate my friends looking out for me in this regard…STOP IT! Imagine if the same thing happened in regards to another area of your life! Let’s take your career for example: Companies would call your friend expressing interest for a one on one interview because they admire your strong credentials; meanwhile your friend is telling all these firms that she “doesn’t see it” without even consulting you! This is my life, this is my career, and this should be my decision! If I want your input I will ask for it! The same thing goes for the shidduch scene. Even if I might not be interested in someone, I still like to hear what’s out there! Let ME determine if this individual is a good match for ME! Until you are told otherwise, you are NOT my life coach or my shidduch advisor! You are a messenger! Receive the message and deliver it to me! Nothing more!
Married Friends: Single friends tend to serve more of a defensive position in preventing you from finding your bashert by not relaying a certain individual’s interest in you. Married friends, on the other hand, serve essentially as a very poor offense! The husband knows buchrim and the wife knows meidels, therefore they are in perfect position to set you up, but they don’t! I often find that once a couple is married or seriously dating, they in effect remove themselves from the shidduch scene completely. When I recently asked a married friend of mine to set me up he said “I don’t set people up. I leave it to the professional shaddchans!” Are you kidding me? You don’t set people up? It’s your RESPONSIBILITY to set people up! Again, let’s try to compare that way of thinking to another area of life: You’re driving along the highway and all of a sudden you spot your married friends in an accident on the side of the road. You pull over and say “Hey, what’s going on here?” They respond: “We got into a bit of a fender bender. Do you mind calling a tow truck and the police…my cell died.” You respond “Sorry, bro! I don’t dabble in road side assistance. It’s just not my thing. Good luck with that!” Then you drive away! What kind of nonsense is this? You’re in the position to help out friends and you just tell them, that you don’t get involved in that type of activity (i.e. helping people) and then you leave! We should all remember that with each stage of life we are ALL presented with different unique challenges and responsibilities. At times life can get hectic and confusing; however, this does not absolve us from our basic responsibilities as a friend!
Bing Crosby once said about his friend Bob Hope: “There is nothing in the world I wouldn’t do for (Bob) Hope, and there is nothing he wouldn’t do for me … We spend our lives doing nothing for each other.” It’s easy for someone to say that they’re your friend, but to actually step up and help someone out takes time and effort, which really distinguishes your friends from people who just have that title. I’ve heard EVERY excuse in the book as to why a friend won’t relay my interest to a particular meidel. “She is too religious for you,” “She wears pants”, “She isn’t dating yet”, “She wants to make Aliyah,” “She sees movies,” “She doesn’t see movies,” “She might see movies,” She only sees PG 13 movies,” “She doesn’t come from a haimish family,” “You stack the plates at the Shabbos table,” yada yada yada! I’ve also heard every excuse from married couples as to why they don’t set people up. Either because they “had a bad experience once,” “don’t do shaddchan work,” or they just blow you off with the very popular “Oh, I’ll definitely keep my eyes open for you” (Translation: Stop bothering me. Helping a friend is not on the top of my to-do list.). Friends should serve as messengers and facilitators when it comes to the shidduch scene, not as screeners or obstacles standing in our way. If we all remain more cognizant of our actions by keeping our friend’s best interest at heart, than we will all be zoche to build a bayis ne’eman biyisroel in the near term, which will, i’yh, bring Mashiach in the not to distant future…AMEN!
Yoni: Hi guys! I have a blind date tomorrow, any suggestions as to where I should take her?
Yirmiyahu: Is she a hottie?
Yoni: I don’t know…it’s a blind date!
Yirmiyahu: You don’t know how she looks?!?!? That’s your first problem! Just take her to Starbucks! It’s my go-to place for first dates!
Yoni: Isn’t that being a bit cheap?
Yirmiyahu: Why would I spend more than $5 on someone I don’t know!
Moses: Yirmiyahu, you ARE cheap! Take her to My Most Favorite…the salmon there is phenomenal!
Joey: Na, too expensive, Café K is my makom kavua for first dates…I find it especially romantic!
Yisroel: I’m a Marriott guy myself…
Yoni: Woaaah! You take your dates to the Marriott! Isn’t that moving a bit quickly!
Yisroel: Not like that silly! We sit in the lobby and talk.
Yoni: Wow, you’re super cheap…and boring!
Aaron: I just take my first dates to Dave and Busters. I like playing video games so worst case scenario, if the date is a complete disaster, at least I have a pleasant time.
Yoni: Interesting strategy…
Yoni: Hi guys! I have a blind date tomorrow, any suggestions as to where I should take her?
Yirmiyahu: Is she a hottie?
Yoni: I don’t know…it’s a blind date!
Yirmiyahu: You don’t know how she looks?!?!? That’s your first problem! Just take her to Starbucks! It’s my go-to place for first dates!
Yoni: Isn’t that being a bit cheap?
Yirmiyahu: Why would I spend more than $5 on someone I don’t know!
Moses: Yirmiyahu, you ARE cheap! Take her to My Most Favorite…the salmon there is phenomenal!
Joey: Na, too expensive, Café K is my makom kavua for first dates…I find it especially romantic!
Yisroel: I’m a Marriott guy myself…
Yoni: Woaaah! You take your dates to the Marriott! Isn’t that moving a bit quickly!
Yisroel: Not like that silly! We sit in the lobby and talk.
Yoni: Wow, you’re super cheap…and boring!
Aaron: I just take my first dates to Dave and Busters. I like playing video games so worst case scenario, if the date is a complete disaster, at least I have a pleasant time.
Yoni: Interesting strategy…
The above conversation is a typical discussion amongst buchrim when they are trying to determine where to take a meidel on a date. A buchur struggles with trying not to seem too cheap, while simultaneously trying to find a place that is conducive for determining whether the meidel sitting before him is in fact his bashert. Through my shidduch dating career I’ve heard about numerous different types of dates. I’ve heard about dates that were outlandishly expensive and those that were embarrassingly cheap. I’ve also heard of extremely clever dates, as well as extremely boring ones. Below I have grouped together the ten most popular first date themes and analyzed the significance of each venue.
1) The “strictly business”/ “hedge your bet” option:
Venue: Hotel Lobby or Starbucks
Analysis: This type of date is particularly popular amongst the Yeshivaish crowd. One reason for this is its very unlikely that something untznius can possibly occur while sitting in a hotel lobby or at Starbucks with dozens of people. Second reason is its super cheap or free. Third reason is you get right to the heart of the matter with out wasting your time with an activity! The entire date is spent determining if these two people are destined to spend the rest of their lives together! Immediately both parties are inundated with a barrage of “relevant questions” including: Does this person use a white table clothe on shabbos? Does the girl where a seat belt in the car? Does either party stack plates when clearing the shabbos table? Has the buchur ever watched TV or attended the cinema? How many hours a day does the buchur learn? Is the meidel a good cook? How much chesed work does the meidel do? After a date like this, if the date went well than the time spent was well worth it! Even more interesting is if the date is a total failure the buchur is out a mere $5 of his father’s money! Either way, the buchur comes out a winner!
2) The “go all out” option:
Venue: My Most Favorite, Prime Grill, Broadway Show, Sporting Event
Analysis: A commonly used strategy by buchrim who have a lot of money, or are trying to impress a particular meidel. This is a very risky strategy because if things don’t go well, you can easily be out $70+. This strategy is also commonly used by amateurs who think they need to go all out for a first date before they actually know the person. I’m all for making a good impression, but to spend $70 on someone you don’t know is just silly! To all the buchrim out there: You can’t buy love!
3) The “I want to see everyone I know” option:
Venue: Café K and Deli Kasba
Analysis: If a buchur wants to ensure that he sees everyone that he has ever met, or wants to show the meidel how popular he is, than this is a phenomenal strategy! Thursday nights at Café K you are guaranteed to run into at least 7 people you know! If going out on Sunday night is more your thing than Deli Kasba is the place to go! These two venues are so overused for shidduch dates that groups of friends actually schedule to go eat dinner there in order to watch the dates for entertainment purposes! If you want an audience on your next date then these restaurants are the obvious choices!
4) The “I have no class” option:
Venue: Kosher Delight, Port Authority, Airport
Analysis: No, no, and no! There are rare times in the course of your life when you will get a heter from me to eat at Kosher Delight (i.e. you are dying from hunger and there is nothing edible left in the world)! Kol vechomer, you can NOT bring a first date there! The food is essentially crap soaked in oil and you walk out of that restaurant smelling like you have been rolling around in fried chicken and dirt for hours! If you are unlucky enough to have to use the facilities during your stay and must venture off into their basement, well…may God have mercy on your soul! The fact that the Department of Health hasn’t shut down KD is truly a world wonder and simply defies any logic. Bottom line: No KD. Strolling around in the Airport or the Port Authority bus station makes just as little sense. Unless you plan on traveling somewhere on your first date, stay away from those venues and stick to the Marriott! They are both free, except the Marriott doesn’t smell like a bus!
5) The “gaming” option:
Venue: Dave and Busters and ESPN Zone
Analysis: Very popular place for first dates…and I am still puzzled why! I never met a girl that thoroughly enjoys playing video games. I also don’t think either location is the best place to have a conversation. There is little or no place to sit and the music is usually very loud. Yet, I find that both places are frequented by shidduch dates. Granted, you will never run into a problem of yichud at either venue, but you also can’t have a normal discussion. The only reason I can think of to go to either place is if you know that the date will be a total fiasco. If this is the case you can always focus on the game you are playing and you can avoid speaking to each other by continuously suggesting you play another game. If you are looking to ease the pain of a potentially awful date, then these are ideal options!
6) The “athletic” option:
Venue: Ice skating, roller skating, Frisbee in the park
Analysis: I love the outdoors! I like skating in Bryant Park during the winter, roller skating down Riverside Park during the spring, and an intense game of ultimate Frisbee or soccer during the summer. However, buchrim must be cautious when taking a first date to do any of these activities. Case in point: Ice is slippery. It is very easy to fall. It is even easier to fall or get knocked over when those show offs on the ice try to impress everyone by skating backwards or perform triple axels with no regard for the rest of the skaters, and lo and behold they check your date into the ice where she falls face first on to the floor and busts her knee (Yes, I am speaking from experience!). That being said I still think outdoor activities are great options for dates. You can go do the selected activity at a leisurely pace while enjoying the outdoors. But buchrim must use EXTREME caution before choosing the aforementioned types of activities!
7) The “I am super shtark” option:
Venue: Shiur (Shul, Beis Medresh, etc.)
Analysis: Shlomo hamelech said it the best in Kohelet when he wrote “There is a time for every purpose under heaven.” There is a time to have fun, a time to work out, a time to learn Torah, and a time to go on a shidduch date! If you are on a shidduch date, don’t try to show off how shtark you are by taking her to a shiur on a first date! Odds are if the meidel already agreed to go out with you, than she obviously thinks you are shtark enough for her. Also, a buchur shouldn’t exercise this option in order to limit discussion with the meidel. If you are going on a date, than focus on the date, not on a shiur! If this is how you decide to spend a first date, than maybe you should spend a bit less time learning Torah and a bit more time refining your social skills!
The “unashamed smooching” option:
Venue: Club, Bar, Brookdale Lobby
Analysis: We all run into these types of dates from time to time. People that spend more time with their mouths locked together, than used for having a discussion. Several years ago I was at a shabbaton in Stern College for Women and was hanging out in Brookdale Hall. As my friends and I are schmoozing and playing board games we spot a buchur and meidel feeding each other chips with salsa and taking breaks every few minutes for long passionate make out sessions, with plenty of caressing, and other such activities that everyone in the room would have rather been spared from seeing. Shomer negiah issues aside, isn’t it more logical to spend time getting to know a person before you smooch with them? There will be plenty of time for smooching, fondling, and all different types of activities that shouldn’t be held in a public forum after you are married. In the meantime it probably makes more sense to try to determine if you want to spend the rest of your life with that individual rather than trying to satisfy your own personal desires, while making everyone else in the room highly uncomfortable. Bottom line: Any date that consists primarily of French kissing in a public area is not the best dating idea.
9) The “clever, but cheap” option:
Venue: MET, The Museum of Natural History, etc.
Analysis: These dates are solid choices for several reasons. One reason is many museums in NY have a “suggested donation” (i.e. pay as little as you want). Second reason is they are quiet, which is conducive to having a discussion. Third reason, is there is stuff to look at and discuss to get the conversation going. Fourth reason, assuming that neither party has ADD; the date will take at least two hours. Fifthly, the buchur will come off as being cultured if he elects to go to a museum. All in all, if you go to a museum on your first date, you MUST be an experienced veteran when it comes to shidduch dating or you have an innate ability to sense how to get the most for your money. Either way…KOL HAKAVOD!
10) The “Chasidish” option:
Venue: The chuppa!
Analysis: A highly underrated option in the Modern Orthodox community! Being that I am not Chasidish, I am in no way an expert on the Chasidish dating! However, I happen to have Chasidish relatives so I can offer some insight on the subject. It is my understanding that one of my cousins was introduced to the girl he was going to marry like a week before their wedding. Then they got married! Talk about eliminating the shidduch crisis all together! If we all subscribed to this model of dating we would all be married at our desired age and wouldn’t have to worry about dating all together! I am envious of all those that are so lucky and it makes me ponder converting to Chasidism!
Conclusion: Some of the best advice I have ever received regarding dating came at a wedding of a super shtark friend of mine. Naturally, he had separate seating so I really had no one of interest to talk to. As the wedding progressed I began to make conversation with the middle aged gentleman sitting next to me. He mentioned to me that he had five daughters and they were all married. He then said to me “Can I give you some dating advice?” Always looking for words of wisdom regarding the shidduch scene I told him I would love to hear his insights. He said “My advice to you is take your dates to places where you spend very little money or nothing at all!” Very surprised with his comment I asked “Won’t the girls get offended and call me cheap? If a girl spends so much time getting ready for a date, shouldn’t I at least take her to a nice place?” The gentleman shook his head and said “No, that’s the worst thing you can do. Everybody enjoys being pampered and going to fancy restaurants or shows. Go for a walk or to coffee and just have a discussion. My youngest daughter, who just got married, knew she was going to marry the guy after the 4th date and he hardly spent any money at all!” Intrigued I asked “How is it possible to know who you want to spend the rest of your life with after only 4 dates?” He said “Once you know that all the smaller things fit, than all the bigger things in life will just work themselves out. When rough times come in life you know that you and your wife will still love each other for who you are and your love wasn’t based on fancy restaurants or lavish gifts.” As I internalized his words I began to think back on how much money I wasted on previous dates, when I probably knew from the onset that they weren’t going anywhere. I may not be Yeshivaish or Chasidish and I may be passionate about the outdoors, but from now I can tell you this: From this point forward all my dates will be held at the Marriott!*
(*Note: I cannot guarantee the accuracy of this statement).
